Jewish World Review April 6, 2009 / 12 Nisan 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Queen Elizabeth gave President Obama a private audience Wednesday. It's a formal ceremony. He walked into the Queen's sitting room, bowed his head, then presented her with his credentials as United States president and chairman of Government Motors.
President Obama received a private audience with Queen Elizabeth at Buckingham Palace Wednesday. She spoke quite firmly with him. She reminded him that if the United States is going to return to absolute monarchy she's got first claim on the job.
The White House prepared to seize Chrysler Friday after President Obama purged General Motors. Who's next? Kremlinologists are studying photos of the Inaugural Parade to see which company is standing furthest away from him on the reviewing stand.
The Special Olympics urged people to stop using the word retarded as a general insult. Fair enough. We have to come up with a new word for anyone who'd force automakers to make cars Americans won't buy, thinking it'll keep them out of bankruptcy.
London mobs smashed windows in the city's financial district Wednesday as they demanded a change in the global banking system. They have a point. The protesters stormed inside the Bank of England and came out with four thousand hands full of lint.
The White House Protocol Office caught heat for President Obama's gifts to our allies. They're all pretty useless. He gave Gordon Brown DVDs that won't play in Britain, he gave Queen Elizabeth an iPod, and he gave the Italian government Chrysler.
President Obama gave Queen Elizabeth an iPod loaded with Richard Rodgers Broadway hits. Why couldn't his gift reflect our shared history? If he was truly considerate he would have seized Philip Morris and given her a tobacco company.
President Obama dined at Ten Downing Street last week, where he met Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling. The president loves the stories about the wizards with magical powers. He's read all the books from cover to cover to his economic team.
Homer Simpson's picture will be put on a first-class postage stamp. The post office is bankrupt and may cancel Saturday service. It's okay to put Homer Simpson's face on a stamp but they really ought to replace him as Postmaster General.
The Republican National Committee replaced Sarah Palin with Newt Gingrich as featured speaker at a fundraiser in Washington D.C. this June. She couldn't commit. There's always someone in the family who's about to go into labor and she can't make plans to be out of town.
Hillary Clinton offered the Taliban an olive branch last week if they would renounce violence in Afghanistan. The day before, she offered to work with Iran. She doesn't care what they do as long as they come up the back stairs and don't go public with it.
The Justice Department threw out the conviction of Alaska's former Senator Ted Stevens. It was thrown out for good reason. He was convicted of not listing bribes on his tax returns and the Obama administration still has a few cabinet posts to fill.
President Obama flew to Europe aboard Air Force One along with an entourage of five hundred people. The plane carried extra vials of his blood type, five basketballs and a dozen Teleprompters. That's exactly how Shaquille O'Neal travels except for the Teleprompters, because Shaquille O'Neal can ad-lib without ending his career.
The New York Yankees lifted their nine-year ban on beer sales in the bleachers Monday, allowing fans to buy twelve-ounce beers for six dollars. This is grim news. History teaches us that it's not officially a depression until prohibition is repealed.
The White House rolled out a web site Tuesday for people suffering from mental stress due to the economy. It means well. Psychiatrists are listed who are willing to help you, and if they determine that you are suicidal they make you pay in advance.
Joe Biden's daughter Ashley was caught snorting coke at a party in a videotape being shopped to the tabloids this week. She won't answer any questions about the embarrassing photo. She's terrified she's going to be banned from competitive swimming.
Congressman Barney Frank authored a bill to let Congress set the pay scale for all jobs in bailed-out companies. His committee just called Charlie Brown to testify. He once successfully ran a lemonade stand and Congress just wanted to pick his brains.
London hosted a Group of Twenty meeting Wednesday amid chaos. Chinese communists are now the capitalists, France's president is Hungarian, the Anglo-Saxons are being led by a socialist and a Kenyan, and Germany is refusing to send troops into other countries. Astronauts aboard the Space Station report the Earth is spinning backwards.
London bankers came to work dressed like hippies Tuesday to avoid being mobbed by anti-capitalist street protesters. The bankers wanted to look scruffy, beat up and impoverished. Some of them came to work wearing nothing but their balance sheets.
Prime Minister Gordon Brown had a simple state dinner Wednesday at Ten Downing Street. It was to avoid putting on airs. Michelle Obama likes to eat things that are grown in the ground but when they dug up the yard all they found was an Irish terrorist.
Taliban chief Baitullah Mehsud took credit for terror attacks in Pakistan last week. He's now threatening to attack the White House. He heard the War on Terror has been renamed the Overseas Contingency Operation and he doesn't appreciate the demotion.
Senator Byron Dorgan introduced a bill permitting Americans to visit Cuba for the first time in five decades. Havana's streets are filled with fifty-year-old Chevys and Fords and Chryslers in flawless condition. The goal of the policy is to topple the Castro government and turn Cuba into the Museum of American Car Excellence.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton