Jewish World Review April 30, 2008 / 25 Nissan 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Vanity Fair will publish semi-nude photos of fifteen-year-old Disney star Miley Cyrus in June. The magazine expects the issue to break sales records. Barack Obama said working-class Americans always turn to child pornography whenever they're bitter.
Pastor Jeremiah Wright said Monday the U.S. government invented AIDS to wipe out blacks. It's so sad. If only that great white shark had eaten a black guy instead of a white guy Friday, Jeremiah Wright would have a new opening joke in his act today.
New York's Daily News reports Roger Clemens had a ten-year affair with a singer he met when she was fifteen. How creepy. In college he once accidentally bit his girlfriend, and it took him ten minutes to scotch-tape the wound and blow her back up.
Hillary Clinton challenged Barack Obama to a presidential debate without using a moderator Sunday. She said they can go at each other Lincoln-Douglas style. He would love to oblige, but right now his pastor is going at him Lincoln-Booth style.
Barack Obama's minister Jeremiah Wright addressed the National Press Club in Washington D.C. on Monday. The pastor was incendiary, sacrilegious, smart-alecky and unpatriotic in front of the reporters. In other words he had them at hello.
Pastor Jeremiah Wright said again Monday that America deserved the World Trade Center attacks. It's out of hand. Barack Obama is doing all he can to distance himself from the pastor, but Michelle refuses to move to the International Space Station.
The Olympic torch arrived in North Korea Monday and there weren't any protests or disruptions. A well-dressed crowd welcomed the flame's first visit to the country. They cheered the runners as they entered the capital city and then ate them.
The Supreme Court ruled Monday states can require voters to show a photo ID at the polls. That's no problem here in the land of fake licenses for Mexicans who want to drive and actors who want to be younger. Three ID's means you can vote three times.
Hillary Clinton ran an ad in North Carolina Monday vowing to force oil companies to use excess profits to research alternative fuels. It could win the War on Terror. If we can turn rice and wheat into gasoline like we've done with corn, in two growing seasons al-Qaeda will hand over Osama bin Laden in exchange for a Happy Meal.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton