Jewish World Review April 28, 2008 / 23 Nissan 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The New York Public Library will be renamed after billionaire Steve Schwarzman after he gave the library a hundred million dollars. That's all it took to get a world landmark named for him. Next, the Statue of Liberty will be known as Donald Trump's Fourth Wife.
Wesley Snipes was sentenced to three years in federal prison Thursday for failing to file income taxes for six years. The sentence came as a shock. He was on track to receive probation and then he said he didn't have time to read the judge's screenplay.
Richard Pryor's widow announced Thursday she will auction off the late comedian's dental plate on eBay to raise money for animal rights. In a way, it's a public service. It's a lesson to young people worldwide that doing cocaine will ruin your teeth.
Mel Brooks will reportedly bring his classic movie Blazing Saddles to Broadway next year. It's about an urbane black cowboy who brings law and order to an all-white town in the Old West which comes to love him. It was Hillary's favorite movie until about a year ago.
Hillary Clinton's campaign raised ten million dollars from eighty thousand new donors on Wednesday. Rush Limbaugh told his listeners to stop sending her money. If Hillary had beaten Barack any harder, it would have looked like an LAPD training film.
The Tennessee Titans reportedly agreed Wednesday to trade suspended cornerback Pacman Jones to the Dallas Cowboys. In three years, he had eight altercations with police. He will fill the team's current vacancy in the Michael Irvin chair in criminology.
Los Angeles stores started rationing rice on Friday and commodities speculators held back deliveries to run up prices. It's a race. Asian families are hoarding their favorite food before Exxon's chemists can figure out a way to make gasoline out of it.
The Automobile Club on Friday forecast record Memorial Day weekend highway travel despite gasoline prices nearing four dollars per gallon. The fact that it's so expensive just makes it all the more exciting. This was Eliot Spitzer's point all along.
U.S. Judge David Doty denied the NFL's motion to force Michael Vick to give back his sixteen million dollar signing bonus. Something isn't right. Michael Vick is in prison for arranging vicious dogfights while Howard Dean walks the streets a free man.
Homeland Security scrapped its virtual border fence with Mexico Monday because it just doesn't work. It consisted of electronic towers and surveillance radar. In one month the only Mexicans it caught were infielders on Direct TV's baseball package.
Barack Obama denied his comments marked him as an elitist, while Hillary denied being an elitist in Indiana. Who isn't an elitist anymore? We live in a country where you have to pay a hundred dollars a month to watch a TV series about John Adams.
Rocky the Bear killed his trainer near Los Angeles Tuesday. The bear co-starred with Will Ferrell in Semi-Pro. The trainer should have caged Rocky before telling him that he should start thinking about playing the father of the leading bear roles.
Congo police arrested a dozen tribal sorcerers for using black magic to shrink men's penises or make them disappear. This is wrong. These witch doctors should be extradited to the United States right away and hired as House and Senate chaplains.
The National Football League holds its annual college player draft on Saturday at Madison Square Garden. The setting is legendary. This is the same arena where they hold America's favorite dog show, otherwise known as a New York Knicks home game.
Jose Canseco was questioned by federal investigators about his latest charges in a new book. So far he's been right about everything. Federal investigators want to ask Jose Canseco if Iran is making weapons-grade uranium or just developing nuclear power.
Disney Book Group announced Monday that teenage superstar Miley Cyrus will write her memoirs. The sitcom star and pop phenom is fifteen years old. The highlight of the book will be her year in the third grade when she turned her life around.
Formula One racing president Max Mosley vowed to clear his name Monday after he was videotaped at home in London being beaten by five women dressed up as German soldiers. He should come to the states. He'd enjoy running in the Democratic primaries.
Hillary Clinton raised three million dollars in the hours after her victory in Pennsylvania on Tuesday night which barely kept her in the presidential race. It was yet another thrilling escape. You can't be married to Harry Houdini for thirty years and not learn how to get out of a chained-up box at the bottom of the East River.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton