Jewish World Review April 24, 2008 / 19 Nissan 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Hillary Clinton won the Pennsylvania primary Tuesday, extending her battle with Barack Obama for the nomination. It looked close for awhile. The networks wouldn't project a winner until they talked to Michael Vick to see if he had a dog in this fight.
The National Football League expressed concern on Tuesday over reports of lead in the artificial turf in their stadiums. The players are increasingly at risk. If you think there's lead in the artificial turf you should see the shell casings on the floor of the strip clubs.
Doris Day's new biography tells of her love affair with Mickey Mantle. They would meet at his St. Regis Hotel suite. Alex Rodriguez just learned that real New York Yankee stars don't go to strip joints, they have Doris Day brought to their room.
Long Island's Young Democrats protested Tuesday that global warming is reducing the harvests of hops, causing beer prices to soar. Environmentalists are alarmed. The recycling industry could collapse without beer bottles and cans from college towns.
New York Mercantile Exchange traders saw oil prices reach one hundred twenty dollars per barrel Tuesday. On top of that, food prices have skyrocketed. Prince William just lost his girlfriend to a guy who's forty pounds overweight and has a full tank of gas.
Hillary Clinton kept rolling with her win in Pennsylvania on Tuesday. Her task is now threefold. She must raise money, win in Indiana and address the fear that if elected president, her husband will turn the White House into a polygamist compound.
Hillary Clinton showed images of Osama bin Laden in late television ads Monday, hinting Barack Obama wouldn't be a tough president. It was way below the belt. The pope's wheels were barely in the air before things got back to normal in America.
Al-Qaeda's second-in-command Ayman al-Zawahiri blasted Palestinian terror group Hamas Tuesday for meeting with Jimmy Carter and telling him they might agree to recognize Israel. You can't make it up. In one meeting Jimmy Carter ticked off both Al-Qaeda and the Bush administration, proving again that he can bring people together.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton