Jewish World Review April 23, 2008 / 18 Nissan 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Hillary Clinton made a last-minute appeal for voter turnout in Pennsylvania in campaign ads Monday. She invoked Pearl Harbor and the Berlin Wall and Gettysburg. She didn't give up when she was under attack then, and she's not going to give up now.
Barack Obama denied taking lobbyist money for his presidential campaign Monday in Pennsylvania. He insists his donors are just regular folks who throw him fifty dollars when they have it. He was smart to design his website to look like a gas pump.
Los Angeles Airport Monday began offering passengers a choice between a pat-down or full-body scan. What's unique is that they scan just the passengers coming into Los Angeles. Anyone found overweight or flat-chested is put on the next plane flight home.
Harrison Ford was reported Monday to have worked in the new Indiana Jones film for no money until it makes a profit. The character is getting old. After Harrison Ford kisses the leading lady the audience has to wait thirty minutes for the fade-out.
The New York Sun said Monday Americans in some parts of the country have begun hoarding food. They're stocking up on flour, rice and cooking oil. Whenever people go into a survival mode the Atkins Diet is the first thing thrown out of the lifeboat.
Cuba's government television network added The Sopranos to their fall schedule Monday. It could be seen as sympathy for dictators. For thirty-five years they've aired the movie Jaws every night to discourage ballplayers from going to the Yankees.
Saddam Hussein's cousin Chemical Ali was hospitalized in Baghdad Tuesday while he awaits trial. He's been charged with manufacturing Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction. The moral is, never hire a relative if you really want the job done.
The World Wrestling Federation offered to let Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama settle the Democratic nomination in the wrestling ring. It wouldn't be a fair fight. Barack has never thrown a chair in his life while Hillary has thirty years' experience.
Prime Minister Gordon Brown arrived in America for meetings Wednesday. For years he's summered at Cape Cod next door to Ted Kennedy's home. However they've never run into each other, most likely because they both drive on the left side of the road.
U.S. Congressman Peter DeFazio introduced a bill Wednesday to ban cell phone use during airline flights. The airlines will soon relax rules and allow passengers to use their cell phones. It gives them something to put in their mouths in lieu of food.
The Transportation Department ordered airlines to pay passengers who get bumped from flights a penalty payment. The government ordered airlines to pay passengers eight hundred dollars for each bump. The Washington D.C. madam is going to jail for less.
A Los Angeles jury on Thursday convicted two elderly women dubbed the Black Widows for buying life insurance policies on homeless men and then running them over with their car and killing them. It was a stupid scheme. As much money as they spent on gasoline to run these guys over, the entire insurance payout went straight to Exxon.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton