Jewish World Review April 22, 2008 / 17 Nissan 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Hillary Clinton was endorsed Sunday by former nemesis and Pittsburgh newspaper owner Richard Mellon Scaife. It's pure self-interest. Ever since Bill Clinton moved out of the White House, newspaper circulation in America has been falling like a stone.
Ted Danson tended bar in a Fort Wayne saloon on Saturday while campaigning for Hillary. She drank whiskey shots on camera in Indiana, prompting Barack to down beers at a honky-tonk in Latrobe. The last Democrat to feel your pain was Bill Clinton
Princeton physicist Edward Lorenz, who fathered the chaos theory, died at ninety Friday. His contended that a butterfly flapping its wings in Brazil could set off a tornado in Texas. Before we had global warming everything was the butterfly's fault.
The London Marathon was run last weekend by a one-hundred-year-old man who ran the twenty-six-mile race in ten hours. He stopped halfway for a pint of beer and a cigarette. When you've beaten the Germans twice, no one questions your workout routine.
The French Assembly passed a bill Tuesday making it a crime for advertisers to incite extreme thinness in women in magazine ads. French men aren't concerned that women will starve themselves to death. It's just that the breasts are the first to go.
CNN anchor Richard Quest was arrested in Central Park late Thursday. Police say he was wearing a single rope tied around his neck and genitals. Ever since Luciano Pavarotti died, the competition has been fierce for the title of World's Greatest Tenor.
The Weather Channel reported earthquakes in downstate Illinois Friday centered in Springfield. It was quickly a campaign issue. Within the hour, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama were accusing each other of causing Abe Lincoln to spin in his grave.
Houston Astros star Miguel Tejada was confronted by ESPN Thursday with a birth certificate proving he's two years older than listed. A reporter can't legally do this to somebody in California. It's considered a breach of actor-G-d confidentiality.
Britney Spears crashed her Mercedes-Benz convertible into the trunk of another car in Los Angeles last Saturday. She just recently got her driver's license. She wasn't allowed to drive in Los Angeles until her doctor certified her as mentally ill.
Wisconsin microbrewer Tom Seefurth began selling Mamma Mia pizza-flavored beer in Madison Friday. It lets busy Americans do two things at once. Perhaps Congress will pass the free trade deal with Colombia if they'll grow Cheetos-flavored marijuana.
Barack Obama complained about his debate questions from ABC News. They questioned his ties to unrepentant Weather Underground anarchists who blew up police stations. Only Vitamin C attaches itself to more free floating radicals than Barack Obama does.
ABC News was jubilant over the ratings for their debate between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama Wednesday. It drew ten million viewers. Fox just announced plans to replace American Idol with a reality show which combines witch trials with lynchings.
Vladimir Putin was reported Friday to have divorced his wife to marry Olympic gold medal winner Alina Kabayeva. She's a gymnast known for her extreme flexibility. She has to be flexible for when they play their favorite game, the oil man and the tax collector.
Jimmy Carter met with exiled leaders of the Hamas terrorist group in Syria Friday despite Israel's furious opposition to the meeting. He said his purpose was to start a dialogue between two peoples who won't talk to each other. He wanted an easier challenge after he couldn't get Paul McCartney and Heather Mills to bury the hatchet.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton