Jewish World Review April 14, 2008 / 9 Nissan 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Dalai Lama arrived in Seattle Thursday to begin a thirteen-day tour of the United States. He'll discuss the crisis in Tibet. It was originally scheduled to be a three-day tour of the United States, but his travel agent booked him on American.
The Olympic torch relay was in Buenos Aires Friday after angry street protests shut down three major world cities. It's a shame. The protests take the focus away from what the games are supposed to be all about, taking illegal drugs to win medals.
The New York Yankees learned Friday they were sabotaged by a construction worker who buried a Red Sox jersey in their new stadium's concrete base. It was a jinx. It has already brought bad luck to the mob witness who was wearing the Red Sox jersey.
Cindy McCain told Access Hollywood Friday she was addicted to painkillers. The pretty blonde was a rodeo queen and heiress to a huge Phoenix beer distributorship. If John McCain cheated on her with a lobbyist, he missed his calling as a kamikaze pilot.
Bill Clinton was ripped Friday after House auditors revealed his taxpayer-paid office expenses. He has run up a four hundred thousand dollar phone bill since he left office. It never occurred to Congress to block all 900 numbers for ex-presidents.
Hillary Clinton vowed in Philadelphia Friday she will repeal the mandatory five-year prison sentence for crack cocaine users. What a clever ploy. She wants to trick Barack Obama's supporters into thinking that all will be forgiven when she wins.
Major League Baseball owners and players came to a labor agreement on steroids penalties Friday. It gives everyone who was named in the Mitchell Report amnesty. No team can afford to lose their shortstop just because he's in the country illegally.
The Labor Department said Friday thousands of illegal immigrants are returning to Mexico due to the construction slump. Not everyone's happy. With Mexicans going home and Charlton Heston gone it's practically impossible to get your ceiling painted.
Pfizer Pharmaceuticals marked the tenth anniversary of the federal approval of the Viagra pill on Tuesday. Nothing ever had less trouble getting congressional approval. The difference between the House vote on going to war with Japan and the vote for Viagra's approval is that there was one vote against going to war with Japan.
Bill Clinton was called the most expensive ex-president in history Thursday by congressional auditors for his cost to the taxpayers. How many times do the bean counters of this world need to hear this before it finally sinks in. Funny isn't free.
Air America radio host Randi Rhodes resigned rather than apologize for calling Hillary Clinton a whore while speaking onstage in San Francisco. It was painful to watch. Two drinks and a microphone have ended more careers than rotator cuff surgery.
Barack Obama said Thursday he supports the repeal of the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy on gays in the military. The issue hasn't been in the news lately. At this juncture most people think sodomy's what the United States did to Saddam Hussein.
Pakistan said it might end the house arrest of rogue nuclear scientist A.Q. Khan, who is exalted in Pakistan as the Father of the Islamic Bomb. He has sold nuclear technology on the black market. Every ten years another country cuts in front of Iran.
Christie's auctioned a nude photo of France's first lady Carla Sarkozy. President Sarkozy dumped his first wife after his election and married the supermodel. French presidents don't typically win trophies for military valor so they have to marry them.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton