Jewish World Review April 8, 2008 / 3 Nissan 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The San Francisco Giants removed every image of Barry Bonds from their stadium before this week's home opener. No team has signed him yet. Barry Bonds says he's in shape and he wants to play, but so far his only offer is from Senator Larry Craig.
Supermodel Naomi Campbell was taken off a British Airways flight for attacking a cop on a plane Thursday. She's twice been charged with assaulting her maids. Two-thirds of the reports of cell phone-related brain damage were caused by her fastball.
Bill Clinton released his tax returns Friday, showing he's made a fortune since he left office. His generosity is legendary. When he was president he used to go to Yellowstone and pose next to Old Faithful just to help out the beginning comedians.
Hillary Clinton was quoted Thursday saying Barack Obama cannot win in November, implying that race would be the determining issue. It's possibly true. After eight years of President Bush, voters aren't sure they can take a chance on another white guy.
Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke defended bailing out Wall Street bankers in last month's credit crisis. It's a once in a lifetime situation. While a bank's stock might crash just once, the homeowner will crash forever in his parents' basement.
John McCain stood on the balcony where Martin Luther King was shot Thursday and apologized for not voting to make his birthday a holiday. Barack apologized for referring to his grandma as a typical white woman and Hillary apologized for telling tall tales from the Balkans. It's the sorriest presidential campaign anyone can remember.
Washington's Mayflower Hotel said Thursday its gift shop has sold out of hotel souvenirs since Eliot Spitzer met a hooker there. You know what this means. If Bill Clinton really wants to help Hillary he should shut up and have another sex scandal.
Jerry Seinfeld rolled his Fiat when his brakes failed on a highway Friday. He jerked the emergency break, spun his steering wheel, rolled over twice and walked away unharmed. Nothing annoys the Highway Patrol like the annual James Bond auditions.
Arizona Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart apologized Thursday after photos of him surfaced on the Internet. They show him in his hot tub with four girls, drinking from a beer bong. Everyone's disappointed. At the scouting combine he did six girls and two bongs.
Barack Obama's Chicago church held a protest against all the media coverage of Rev. Jeremiah Wright. It's why Chicago will always be the Second City. Churches in New York and L.A. are hiring Jeremiah Wright impersonators just for the free media coverage.
Hillary Clinton flew to Los Angeles for a fundraiser Thursday and then appeared on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno in Burbank. It had to be a stressful trip. All the adoring cable news stories about Barack Obama begin three hours earlier out here.
Hillary Clinton arrived at Burbank Airport Thursday for one day of campaigning in Los Angeles. She ordered her driver to take as many freeways as possible and to switch lanes without signaling. Hillary thinks the only way to win back the black vote is to get shot on the anniversary of Martin Luther King's assassination.
London Mayor Ken Livingstone said Thursday the city will begin charging gas-guzzling vehicles a fifty-dollar-a-day entrance fee in October. People are balking. For a cover charge like that, they'd better have the Beatles playing at the Cavern Club.
Ted Turner told PBS Friday that in forty years, global warming will destroy all crops and man will be reduced to cannibalism. Then he called the insurgents in Iraq patriots. One day Ted Turner's bones will be on display at the Dinosaur Park in Utah, representing the age when television networks were not owned by the defense industry.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
Comment by clicking here.
© 2007, Argus Hamilton