Jewish World Review April 3, 2008 / 27 Adar II 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Tokyo scientists announced Monday they are able to reverse the effects of cirrhosis of the liver. That's great news. Now if they can just find a way to reverse the effects of oil prices, we will have gotten away with all our addictions scot-free.
Thomas Beatie will take an ultrasound on Oprah Winfrey's show today to prove he's pregnant. He's a transgender male who says he got pregnant by artificial insemination. It's becoming harder and harder to meet the requirements for the Episcopal priesthood.
Senator Barack Obama continued his bus tour of Pennsylvania on Monday where he visited a chocolate factory and gave a speech criticizing John McCain, making no mention of Hillary Clinton. He looked positively jubilant. His pastor's gone missing.
Cuba's government announced Tuesday that it will lease unused lands to private farmers who want to grow tobacco. It's a landmark decision. By the time private enterprise works its magic in Cuba, Philip Morris is going to be the fifty-first state.
U.S. oil company executives were hauled before a congressional committee Tuesday and told to spend more money on alternative fuels. These executives aren't scared by a little interrogation. The Spanish Inquisition was the oil industry's first customer.
The Screen Actors Guild met with Hollywood producers on Monday to try to reach a deal and avoid a strike when the contract ends in June. Nobody wants the actors on strike. Sniper Fire Theater wouldn't be the same without your host, Hillary Clinton.
Hillary Clinton compared herself to Rocky Balboa in her speech in Philadelphia Tuesday. It's not the first time that's been said. Reporters compared her to Rocky Balboa whenever Bill Clinton came downstairs to the press conference with a black eye.
Hillary Clinton challenged Barack Obama on Monday to a winner-take-all bowling contest. Then she said it was an April Fool's joke. Her goal is to be the first Democrat to make fun of working class diversions and still get the party's nomination.
CBS News announced Tuesday it's making deep cuts in its news staff due to disappointing earnings last quarter. Many CBS local anchors and local reporters were axed in the bloodbath. Bear Stearns executives can turn to each other in the soup line and console themselves with the knowledge that they had the sense not to hire Katie Couric.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton