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Jewish World Review April 18, 2007 / 30 Nissan, 5767 Song lyrics have only gotten dumber By Celia Rivenbark http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | I've always been convinced that no one would ever write lyrics weirder than Led Zeppelin's "If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now," which we all sang along to in the '70s because "Stairway to Heaven" was so awesome it didn't matter that the words made no sense. The same was true of The Steve Miller Band's wretchedly wonderful songs, most famously this line from "Take the Money and Run": "Billy Mack's a detective down in Texas. You know he knows just what the facts is." Texas? Facts is? Sure. That rhymes. America, a soft-rock band I loved in high school, wrote absolutely awful lyrics but nobody cared. The worst included a bizarre reference to "Alligator lizards in the air" from a song called "Ventura Highway" and the sadly memorable "There were plants and trees and rocks and things" from "A Horse With No Name." Things? THINGS???? It's oddly comforting then to read at Spinner.com that bad lyrics are still out there, and they may even be getting worse. My new(ish) favorites: "If the light is off, then it isn't on," from "So Yesterday" by Hilary Duff. (And this was before she busted up with her boyfriend and got all Goth on us. Should we expect even deeper thoughts on the new album? I mean, she is brunette now and everything). "I'll never let your head hit the bed (headboard?) without my hand behind it," from "Your Body Is A Wonderland" by John Mayer. I love Mayer but this is possibly the most un-romantic line I've ever heard. I hope he's not planning to write his own vows if he ever marries Jessica Simpson. ("I will never leave the toilet seat up, on account of you don't like it.") "Lucky my breasts are small and humble, so you don't confuse them with mountains," from "Whenever, Wherever" by Shakira. Three words: Lord. Have. Mercy. "Young, black and famous, with money hanging out the anus" from Diddy's "Can't Nobody Hold Me Down." What can I add to that? Only that it's so beautiful it would bring tears to a glass eye, that's all. "My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps," from, you guessed it, "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas. My lunch, my lunch, I swear it's coming up! "If I was invisible, then I could just watch you in your room," from "Invisible" by Clay Aiken. Creepiest lyrics since The Police promised to monitor "every breath you take." Tip: If Clay spies on you, just stomp your foot at him. He'll cry like a little girl. Dumb lyrics are here to stay, and I love 'em like a fat kid loves cake. Thanks, Fiddy. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Celia Rivenbark is an award-winning news reporter and freelance columnist for The Sun News in Myrtle Beach, S.C. Comment by clicking here. Talk to the clock because the ISP doesn't care Being a happy human vessel has its limits Who's not your daddy? Phoning for dazzlers Proper spelling begins at home Sick of the waiting room Road signs Halt your motion toward the lotion Sudoku's got my husband's number One short stack of smarts, please Spa me the kids IRS wants us to like it so much that it smacks of desperation Uniforms: Soul-sucking sameness Girls' pajama parties a little different now Welcome back for guilt-free manly man A big boo-hoo for disgraced celebs Girls' pajama parties a little different now When Bubbas and hoes are extra welcome Ageless icons can't escape their ages Gifts to kids' teachers make competitive moms antsy Kid bumper stickers sure not ‘terrific’ © 2007, The Sun News Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services

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