Jewish World Review April 27, 2007 / 9 Iyar, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Boris Yeltsin was given a state funeral in Moscow Wednesday, with a horse-drawn carriage taking Russia's first democratically-elected leader through Red Square. President Vladimir Putin was brief but eloquent in his eulogy. He said he didn't do it.
The NFL will hold its college player draft Saturday in New York. It's an annual tradition. Every year we give four hundred college boys a million dollar bonus and an all-expense-paid trip to New York just to give Homeland Security a little practice.
CBS Sports refused to air a John Daly commercial showing him singing in a honky-tonk bar, grabbing a beer and riding in a golf cart with pals. That's how nervous the networks are. They won't air any scene where people might be telling racist jokes.
The Food and Drug Administration issued a warning Tuesday that California hogs may have been fed contaminated pet food. This story will never go away. Now the cops are investigating Alec Baldwin for trying to poison his daughter at feeding time.
The View on Disney-owned ABC dropped Rosie O'Donnell, even after she agreed to stop talking about George Bush. The president has no leverage over ABC. Disney is not a defense contractor, unless you count the war rationales we buy from Fantasyland.
The Democratic Party held its first presidential candidates' debate on Thursday in South Carolina. John Kerry and Al Gore have already said they won't run. That means the Democrats are going to have to think of some other way to blow the election.
Rudy Giuliani told a New Hampshire crowd Tuesday that more terrorist attacks will result if a Democrat is elected to the White House. This politically correct language is annoying. Back in the Eighties it was called office hanky-panky, in the Nineties it was called sexual harassment, and now it's called a terrorist attack.
Hillary Clinton criticized the Halliburton board of directors' decision to move company headquarters to Dubai in the United Arab Emirates. You can look at a map and see why Halliburton moved there. It's located just outside the long arm of the law.
Condi Rice was subpoenaed by the House Oversight Committee Wednesday to testify about false pre-war intelligence which led to the war. We know how this will go. The Secretary of State will raise her right hand and swear to tell the truth, and that will get a longer laugh than Ed Ames's tomahawk throw on the Johnny Carson show.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
Comment by clicking here.
© 2007, Argus Hamilton