Jewish World Review April 24, 2007 / 5 Iyar, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Phil Spector goes on trial today for the murder of actress Lana Clarkson. He's claiming that he was too drunk to hold the gun steady. His lawyer had to talk him out of his original defense, which was that every actress over thirty has it coming.
The Coast Guard unloaded twenty tons of cocaine seized off Panama at the Port of New York Monday. Cameras rolled as fifteen men took five hours to unload all the cocaine. It's the first live news event ever shown on the E! Entertainment Channel.
A North Vietnamese war veteran had a bullet removed from his heart after forty years Friday. This never could have happened to an American. He would have long since died from the snack food they serve in the waiting room at Walter Reed Hospital.
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales ignored calls to resign over the U.S. attorney firings scandal. He has the president's backing. Testimony before the Judiciary Committee indicates the attorney general is either a liar or stooge, he doesn't recall.
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and John Edwards stumped in Iowa Sunday. They all pandered to the farmers. Hillary Clinton called for crop subsidies, Barack Obama called for more ethanol and John Edwards had a four-hundred-dollar corn row hairstyle.
Carl Bernstein has written a book about Hillary Clinton called A Woman in Charge. It says she had a complicated relationship with her stern and angry father. To this day she flinches every time Alec Baldwin picks up his cell phone at one of her fundraisers.
Mayor Gavin Newsom on Monday declared San Francisco a sanctuary city for illegal aliens who come to America. It's simply a matter of being fair. You can't be a city that supports medical marijuana and prosecute the people who truck it into town.
New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin paid a visit to Philadelphia on Thursday. After he got back he told New Orleans residents that they should be grateful to live in such a clean city compared to Philly. New Orleans ought to be clean, it's just been washed.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton