Jewish World Review April 23, 2007 / 5 Iyar, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Tiger Woods shrugged off his Masters loss Thursday and began preparing for the U.S. Open in June at Oakmont in Pennsylvania. This is a course for serious golfers. Six years ago they wouldn't let Bill Clinton play at Oakmont and it's a public course.
The National Basketball Association began two months of playoffs Saturday with the Dallas Mavericks favored to win. Everyone expects a tranquil and trouble-free post-season. You seldom hear about the good side to all the recent U.S. attorney firings.
Beatles record producer Phil Spector is on trial this week for the murder of a nightclub hostess. He's a creepy remnant of the Sixties. Charles Manson used to ask Phil Spector to leave his parties because he didn't want things to get out of hand.
The Denver Airport installed Internet stations so travelers can play Internet games. This airport is always making that extra effort. Last week the automatic baggage compactors malfunctioned and they had to destroy everybody's luggage by hand.
The European Union passed new rules Thursday to crack down on hate crimes. All the nations in Europe must jail anyone who denies or trivializes the Holocaust. Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has no choice anymore but to vacation in Malibu.
The Gallup Poll shows that Hillary Clinton dropped nine points in her personal favorability last month. The public likes her most when Bill's cheating on her. Face it, she's not going to be president until she agrees to let Bill take one for the team.
John Edwards was red-faced when it was revealed he's gotten four-hundred-dollar haircuts in Beverly Hills. He also bought facial smoothing treatments at day spas. When you can't come out for gay marriage you have to campaign for the gay vote in code.
John Edwards got two four-hundred-dollar haircuts in Beverly Hills, paid for by his campaign. He made a mistake double-parking in front of the salon. The haircuts in Beverly Hills are forty dollars unless the barber sees out-of-state plates on your car.
Al Sharpton lost foundation donations from rap stars Thursday for denouncing hip-hop music during the Don Imus fracas. Here's a tip for buying a used car. If the radio buttons are all set to hip-hop stations, check the front grill for bullet holes.
New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez hit another game-winning homer Thursday against Cleveland. He's hit ten home runs and the season's not three weeks old. During the off-season he worked with Mark McGwire and that was just on his testimony to Congress.
Serbia will tranquilize three hundred horses near the site of a Rolling Stones concert in July. We know how this ends. The band ends up in the stables doing drugs with the horses while the crowd sits in the stadium stomping their feet for the show to start.
Heather Mills McCartney survived one more week on ABC's Dancing with the Stars Tuesday even though she fell over backwards at the end of her dance number. She was on her back with her legs in the air. Now the show owes her sixty million dollars.
Beverly Hills gasoline stations raised gas prices past four dollars per gallon Friday. It's become a luxury. Forty years ago Buddhist monks in Los Angeles doused themselves with gas to protest the Vietnam War and today they do it to pick up chicks.
Germany apologized for an army video made public Monday. It instructs recruits to fire their guns as if they were shooting at blacks. Whenever the Germans are in the news it convinces Iran to go back to the minor leagues for a little more seasoning.
Hillary Clinton conferred with the Rutgers women's basketball team Friday. She assured them Don Imus's verbal assault on them was unwarranted. If those women were ho's, the New York Post would have snapped photographs of them with her husband by now.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton