Jewish World Review April 11, 2007 / 23 Nissan, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Barack Obama appeared on the Late Show with David Letterman Monday. He's now only six points behind Hillary in the polls and just a million dollars behind her in money. Hillary Clinton's only hope is that Don Imus will kill him for pursuing a white woman.
Don Imus apologized on Al Sharpton's radio show Monday for calling the Rutgers women's basketball team nappy-headed ho's on his Wednesday morning show on CBS Radio. Don Imus feels so alone. All the real racists moved on to Mexican jokes ten years ago.
The New York Post reported Monday that Americans spend sixty billion dollars a year on junk food. It is crazy. You can make a fortune betting on which presidential candidates will end up on the ticket if you can figure out which one's the Twinkie and which one's the Ding Dong.
Baghdad protesters burned the American flag Monday and demanded that U.S. troops end their occupation of Iraq. Now the troop surge begins. As soon as somebody burns an American flag, the American Civil Liberties Union always sends in an army of lawyers.
The Space Station welcomed aboard two cosmonauts and a U.S. billionaire Tuesday. The billionaire's girlfriend Martha Stewart was at Mission Control watching him on a monitor. This makes Lisa Nowak the second-scariest woman ever to stalk an astronaut.
Iran's president Ahmad Ahmedinejad announced Monday that Iran has vastly increased its number of centrifuges and nuclear capability. Look on the bright side. If they have a catastrophic nuclear accident it will save Israel's air force the jet fuel.
Arnold Schwarzenegger made the cover of Newsweek on Monday in an article about his environmental program. The cover photo shows him smiling and holding the earth inside the palm of his hands. And no, the photograph was not taken by Leni Riefenstahl.
The Masters ended Sunday after a week of bad scores and brutal conditions. The course took everybody hostage. On Sunday the pros were shown on television wearing ill-fitting suits and talking about how nicely they'd been treated by the groundskeepers.
Tony Blair denounced Iran's government Sunday for its treatment of the British sailors they illegally seized before finally releasing them. The sailors were held in total confinement for a dozen days. They trained for the ordeal by flying Jet Blue.
Variety reported a surge of support for Barack Obama in Hollywood. However, the comedians are all for Hillary. Our mouths water at the thought of the material we would get from eight years of Bill Clinton in the White House with time on his hands.
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama each reported raising over twenty-five million dollars so far. It's tricky. The law allows them to reject federal matching funds but as soon as they exceed one hundred million dollars they have to run as Republicans.
Bill and Hillary Clinton enjoyed a private lunch Saturday with Dominican Republic President Leonel Fernandez. They dined at a private estate amid heavy security. The president is running for an unprecedented third term, and so is the Dominican guy.
Dan Rather reported Saturday that Al Gore is going to lose forty pounds and run for president. It may be his time. He's finally figured out that the American electorate humors women and minority viewpoints for two years and then elects a white Southerner.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton