Jewish World Review April 8, 2007 / 20 Nissan, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Great Britain welcomed home the fifteen British sailors from captivity in Iran on Thursday. Credit the media for their freedom. The way Iran caught and released the sailors was proof they've been watching fishing shows on the Outdoor Life Network.
British Air Chief Marshal Jock Stirrup met the freed hostages at Heathrow Airport on Thursday. He heads the Royal Air Force. Jock Stirrup could be the first British subject inducted into the Cowboy Hall of Fame in Oklahoma City just on his name alone.
New York tailors expressed outrage over the cheap, ill-fitting suits that Iran forced the British sailors to wear home Thursday. It's a tradition. All international conferences end with the participants posing for the cameras in funny native costumes.
Alex Rodriguez was booed at Yankee Stadium Thursday when he popped up with the bases loaded in a snowstorm. It's like old times. He was the first Yankee to pop up in a snowstorm since Daryl Strawberry showed up for spring training two weeks late.
Journal Science reported Friday that Los Angeles may be in a new state of permanent drought. It's nothing to worry about. When Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan haven't had a drink in thirty days you know some of the dryness is court-ordered.
Anna Nicole Smith's cause of death was released by the coroner Friday. He said she took six hundred mind-altering pills during her last three weeks. The next day, Keith Richards was stopped trying to enter the Bahamas with a razor blade and a straw.
Fred Thompson leaped to third place among GOP candidates Friday. In the movies he's played an admiral, White House chief of staff, CIA Director, a general and a president. Fred Thompson has got more than an impressive resume, he's got a demo reel.
Augusta National Golf Club is the scene of the final round of The Masters golf tournament today in Georgia. It takes a real athlete to swing a golf club. No act in sports puts more strain on your shoulders, other than restraining Pacman Jones.
Steven Spielberg agreed to host an Apprentice-type television show for aspiring moviemakers this year. It's a great opportunity. Sixteen finalists will be invited to prove they have what it takes to succeed in Hollywood, a relative in the business.
Boston Red Sox rookie Daisuke Matsusaka of Japan won his first victory Thursday in Kansas City. He signed a multi-year deal for one hundred million dollars. It's believed to be the first sports contract ever pegged directly to the price of gasoline.
Newt Gingrich apologized to Hispanic groups Thursday for saying that bilingual education teaches students the language of the ghetto. He said he did not want to offend anyone. He released a videotaped apology in Spanish which was subtitled in jive.
Mitt Romney said in New Hampshire Tuesday he's been a hunter all his life. Two days later his campaign put out a statement saying he's only been hunting twice. He was raised in a two-story home, one story for New Hampshire and one for California.
Barack Obama said Thursday his popularity shows America is ready for universal health insurance. Hillary's in a real pickle. She could wind up losing Congress and the White House fourteen years apart for being on the wrong side of universal coverage.
Senator Hillary Clinton spent Easter weekend on vacation with her husband Bill and their daughter Chelsea at the Punta Cana Resort and Club in the Dominican Republic. It was awkward there for awhile. Bill should have known that Punta Cana didn't mean what he thought it meant after he saw that Chelsea was along for the trip.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton