Jewish World Review April 6, 2006 / 8 Nissan 5766

‘Republican’ immigrants vs. ‘Democratic’ immigrants

By James Lileks

http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | The entire illegal immigration problem isn't that difficult. Just annex Mexico. Upside: lots of oil at popular prices. Downside: Once the Mexicans are Americans, they will presumably be unwilling to put up drywall or pick tomatoes, since those are "jobs Americans will not do." So maybe that's not a good idea.

Try this, then: Build a wall, tall and long. If you really want to horrify the world, put barbed wire on the top; this signals your intention to violate the most basic human right, namely, the right to go to California for dental care at someone else's expense.

Next step: Make current illegal aliens register, pay a fine and get on the path to legal status. The Amnesty That Dare Not Speak Its Name. Anyone who doesn't pony up gets shipped to the border. There you have it! Security, compassion, firmness. Drywall.

Never happen. Whatever comes of this recent debate — besides GOP bloodletting at the polls in November, if the base thinks they're squishy tools of Big Produce — it'll probably end up as another tourniquet that fails to stop a bleeding arm. Partly because it's not tight enough. Partly because it grandfathers in all the previously spilled blood. And partly because the problem is actually a severed leg. We could secure the borders if we wanted to, but as with nearly everything that requires serious effort these days, that's a big if. You can see that IF from space. It has aircraft warning lights on top. Why?

Depends. Some Republican leaders like cheap labor, and lots of it. Others instinctively wince when immigration comes up; they're called racist if they want to let workers in for exploitation, and they're racist if they want to keep them out for the crime of Immigrating While Dusky. So many Republicans don't speak up — except to assure the base that they're against amnesty and for border control. Of course, when the pastor from the home district intercedes on behalf of a nice illegal with a wife and kids, a guy the INS wants to deport? He gets a congressional intercession. But that's the absolute last one! No more!

Democratic leaders have a different perspective. They look at the throngs marching in the streets the last few weeks, demanding their host country repay their ingratitude with citizenship, free schools, medical care, housing and an abject apology for the time Ponce de Leon spit on the ground without wiping it up, and the Democrats see votes. Millions of them! No one who shows up waving the flag of another nation and complaining about something that happened in 1492 is likely to vote Republican, after all.

If you want to see the Democrats crack down on illegals, convince a million illegals to demonstrate on the Fourth of July with pictures of George Washington, playing Irving Berlin tunes in the Mexicali style. Good Lord, they're assimilating! Build a wall! Dig a trench! Add crocodiles!

Luckily for the Democrats, such large, happy, pro-American rallies are not likely. Unfortunately for the illegal-alien advocates, however, their cause is not helped by angry rallies with inverted U.S. flags and crude signage supporting the "Reconquista," which would make Los Angeles a protectorate of the Tijuana city council.

This doesn't sit well in parts of the country where the practical implications of untrammeled immigration are largely absent. You don't want a wall? Don't cheese off Iowans who would be happy to pay for it. Don't wave the flag of a corrupt, oligarchical sinkhole nation. Don't tell Americans they're required to house, feed and school people who hate their guts — if that was some international law, France would be the 51st state.

Most immigrants assimilate. The culture changes to accommodate the newcomers; the superficial aspects of the American identity are rather protean. But this doesn't mean the nation is required to shout ollie-ollie-in-free and provide a free Spanish translation. So yes, build the wall. Control the borders. Welcome the immigrants. Kick out the scofflaws. And if it bumps up the wages of drywall installers and dishwashers? The Republic will endure.