Jewish World Review April 24, 2006 / 26 Nissan, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Congress returns to work today with only a twenty-three
percent job approval rating in the polls. They couldn't be
happier. According to their contract, the moment their approval
rating goes below twenty percent they qualify for hazard pay.
The New York Mercantile Exchange reported Friday that oil
prices hit seventy-five dollars a barrel. It's insane in Los
Angeles. Some gasoline stations in Beverly Hills and Malibu were
charging four dollars a gallon, but that was for self-centered.
President Hu Jintao assured students at Yale Friday that
China is not a threat to the U.S. economy. China's not the
problem. Karl Rove was relieved of his duties as White House
policy advisor Wednesday and replaced by a customer service
operator in India.
Karl Rove gave up his White House policy job Wednesday to
concentrate on politics. He didn't go willingly. When he was told
that his job was to get Republicans re-elected to Congress in
November, he asked if he could take another crack at the Middle East.
Tampa settled a suit with a city worker fired over a Rebel
flag decal on his truck. The settlement was amicable. They let him
keep the Confederate flag on his truck after a representative for
illegal immigrants said they weren't offended by it.
Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean called Wednesday for
tighter U.S. border controls and more border police. He's no enemy
of the American melting pot. His own state of Vermont was settled
by people from all four corners of Nottinghamshire.
The Democratic Party fielded offers Thursday from ten states
that want their primaries ahead of New Hampshire and Iowa. It
could revive Howard Dean's career. He doesn't stand out so much
when everybody in Iowa and New Hampshire is screaming.
Chinese President Hu Jintao was heckled in the Rose Garden
for three minutes by a woman who had obtained press credentials.
It was quite a standoff. Andrea Mitchell will not be ignored just
because her husband stepped down as Fed Chairman.
China's President Hu Jintao fielded many questions about
China during his West Coast swing. They have a four-thousand-mile-
long wall to keep out the Mongols. This explains why Mongolia's
most successful pole vaulters are always on China's team.
The FDA released a statement Thursday saying medical
marijuana is essentially worthless. They said there have been no
sound scientific studies showing benefits. There are benefits,
it's just that researchers are too listless to write the report.
The Lundberg Survey reported that gasoline prices went above
three dollars per gallon in California Thursday. That explains why
everybody has been driving drunk in Los Angeles. When the judge
takes away your driver's license it's like money in the bank.
Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman said Thursday he will not run
for the U.S. Senate in Nevada and will instead remain mayor. The
Democrat prefers Las Vegas to Washington D.C. He prefers to stay
in a city where trading cash for favors is still technically a crime.
American Airlines gave away free airline tickets to all Dallas Mavericks fans in attendance at their final home game Monday. The fans were overjoyed when they realized they were holding airline tickets. When they first saw the AA logo on the envelope they thought they were going to have to answer twenty questions about their drinking.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton