Jewish World Review April 17, 2006 / 19 Nissan, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Producers by Mel Brooks was signed Tuesday to play at
Paris Las Vegas in July. No one can believe Hitler's making a
triumphant return to Paris. Las Vegas has exhausted the marketing
possibilities for sex, so they have decided to try violence.
Duke's lacrosse team hired Bob Bennett to defend them from a
stripper's rape charge. He defended Bill Clinton in the Paula
Jones case. If the pattern holds, the next two U.S. senators from
North Carolina will be girlfriends of the lacrosse players.
The Lundberg Survey reported gasoline prices climbed at the
pump on Tuesday to new record highs. Don't ask the price in Los
Angeles. It's enough to know that George Hamilton is dating the
daughter of the Chevron station owner in Sherman Oaks.
Los Angeles was shaken by an earthquake Thursday, causing
homes to rattle and roll. We're overdue for a big one. Illegal
aliens have been asked to enter the United States in two single-
file lines on different sides of the San Andreas fault.
Condi Rice insisted Thursday Iran must comply with the
world's demand that it stop its nuclear program. She can't dare
challenge them to a nuclear exchange. The only American under
forty who knows the duck-and-cover drill is Monica Lewinsky.
The White House expressed concern Monday over Iran's nuclear
progress. Someday soon Iran could have nuclear missiles that could
reach the United States. And everybody thought there was no way to
get the illegal aliens to pack up and go home.
Al Gore addressed a Democratic fundraiser Monday in New York
City where they raised millions of dollars. He's in an extremely
awkward position to criticize the Bush administration's policies.
Without oil, Al could never move his arms and legs.
Tiger Woods apologized to Britons Thursday for calling his
putting stroke at the Masters spastic. The British said it insults
disabled people. With any luck they won't hear about the Jerry
Lewis Movie Collection available in video stores Tuesday.
Kentucky voted to outlaw the use of Internet-controlled
rifles to kill animals in the woods. The sport came as no
surprise. If you ban the Jerry Springer crowd from going after
teenage girls on the Internet, all that energy has to go somewhere.
Britney Spears was visited by child protective services Wednesday. They got a report that her infant son fell out of a high chair and hit his head. These illegal immigrant protest marches could wipe out a generation of Hollywood children.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton