Jewish World Review April 10, 2006 / 12 Nissan, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
NBC Dateline slipped six Muslim men into a NASCAR race to
film how they were treated there. Everyone got along just fine.
Southerners believe that if you are killed in a racing accident
you'll be greeted in paradise by seventy-two Virginians.
President Bush welcomed the Florida Gators national
championship basketball team to the White House Thursday. They won
the national title with their deadly outside shooting. Who says
Dick Cheney isn't a positive role model for young people?
Congress failed to pass immigration reform Friday despite
polls showing most Americans want a wall. It won't work. If it's
built by the same guys who built the levees in New Orleans, we
will be drowning in illegal aliens every time it rains.
The Senate failed to pass an immigration bill Friday and
then headed for the airport. The senators appeared to sense the
bill was unpopular. The last time this many comedians wore paper
bags over their heads it was a roast honoring the Unknown Comic.
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said Thursday the
president has the right to wiretap Americans without a warrant. It
caused panic. War critics are so afraid to have phone sex there
have been no accidents on Los Angeles freeways for two days.
Senator Ted Kennedy wrote a new book about growing up
Kennedy called America Back on Track. He wants America to know
what we can learn from his brothers. They were taught from the
time they were little boys to always share Marilyn Monroe.
Bill Clinton will be the keynote speaker at the annual
dinner of the Joint Center for Political and Economic Studies
Tuesday. He will also be given their fourth annual Great American
Award. They previously honored Vernon Jordan, Muhammed Ali and
Jimmy Carter, but this marks the first time the award will go to a comedian.
Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig promised to erase any
steroid-tainted home run records. It affects Barry Bonds and Sammy
Sosa and Mark McGwire. By the time the home run record is returned
to the Maris family it will have made more wrong turns than Amelia Earhart.
Steven Spielberg agreed Thursday to host an Apprentice-type
television show for aspiring moviemakers. It sounds like fun.
Sixteen finalists will be invited to prove they have what it takes
to succeed in Hollywood, a relative in the business.
The White House revealed plans Monday to build a base on the
moon from which to fly manned missions to Mars. What a waste of
money. If Republicans want to hit a golf ball four thousand yards
they should just buy the clubs Tiger Woods is using.
U.S. Rep. Cynthia McKinney apologized Thursday for hitting a
Capitol Hill cop in the head with her cell phone. Her story
continues to evolve. Now she says that she was trying to find out
once and for all whether cell phones cause brain damage.
Senator Chuck Schumer said Wednesday the Democrats could
take control of the Senate in November if everything breaks right.
They see things turning their way. Ben and Jerry's just introduced
a brand-new ice cream flavor called Impeach-a-Mint.
John Kerry spoke at Al Sharpton's National Action Network on
Friday. The two of them alternated every twenty minutes. Kerry
would put them to sleep and then Sharpton shocked them, and after
one session half the room quit cigarettes for good.
William F. Buckley praised Hillary Clinton Monday, alarming conservatives. She steals votes from Republicans because of her tribal appeal to Episcopalians and Methodists. Her campaign contributors all want the same thing from her, a knighthood.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton