Jewish World Review April 3, 2006 / 5 Nissan, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
As the World Turns star Helen Wagner celebrates a milestone
today. She has spent fifty years playing the same role in the
nationally televised soap opera. You knew Hillary Clinton wasn't
drawing her inspiration from Margaret Thatcher.
Major League Baseball launched an investigation of Barry
Bonds Thursday. Two new books detail his extramarital affairs and
steroid use and tax problems. When Bob Dole said every man over
forty should get a prostate exam, he meant from a doctor.
Major League Baseball began a probe of steroid use Friday by
Barry Bonds and other players. The drug has medical value. Bud
Selig might need steroids himself to help straighten out his neck
muscles after twelve years of looking the other way.
Inside Man starring Denzel Washington and Clive Owen topped
the nation's box office total last week. It's a caper about a bank
robber who plans to commit the perfect crime. After he steals all
the cash he gets away by passing lobbying reform.
The Philadelphia Phillies mailed season ticketholders a
highlight video last week. The fans were accidentally sent a video
of Mexican cockfights. It sold so many tickets that team
management is demanding the Senate pass a guest-cock program.
Hispanics demonstrated in Los Angeles again Thursday to
protest the immigration reform bill. Many protesters tried to stop
traffic on the freeway to do all the damage they could to business
commuters. It turns out they do more damage than deer.
The U.S. Senate opened debate on Wednesday on the
immigration reform bill. The Republicans are split over the issue.
During the debate, fifteen illegal aliens got into the country by
jumping over the chasm between Arlen Specter and Bill Frist.
The Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court on Thursday
restricted gay marriages to state residents. Many people were
saddened. The business community is convinced that legalizing gay
marriage is the only way a city can guarantee getting direct
flights to and from Los Angeles.
Health Secretary Mike Leavitt was in Los Angeles Thursday to
warn of a bird flu outbreak. Let's hope it's not sexually
transmitted. Ten million beautiful women from all over the world
live in Los Angeles, and every one of them eats like a bird.
The White House announced Friday that we will build a base
on the moon from which to launch an exploratory mission to Mars.
There's no reason for Americans to fear finding life on the red
planet. What's another twenty million aliens at this point?
Rob Reiner was forced out as head of the California commission on pre-school education Wednesday. He spent twenty- three million dollars on publicists. It looked a little fishy when a new sitcom starring Carl Reiner qualified for the June ballot.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton