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Jewish World Review April 15, 2005 / 6 Nisan, 5765 Hi, Finance! By Gene Weingarten
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
From time to time I get mail accusing me of being shallow and/or juvenile. Well, my detractors may be surprised to know that, like other well-rounded, sophisticated adults, I read the financial news. Not long ago, I saw an item that intrigued me: "Shares of Sara Lee Corp. rose after the maker of Hanes underwear and Jimmy Dean sausages replaced its chief executive and said it will spin off its clothing business and sell other slower-growing units . . ."
This item convinced me that some additional financial reporting was needed, so I phoned a corporate spokeswoman at Sara Lee.
Me: I understand that, through its subsidiaries, Sara Lee makes both men's underpants and sausages. I was wondering if you found that as funny as I do.
Julie Ketay: I am not going to answer inappropriate questions.
Me: I'm just doing research here.
Julie: Sara Lee makes a variety of products that our consumers ask for. We are happy we make the products we make.
Me: Sara Lee also makes "buns," right?
Julie:
Me: Hello?
Julie: Yes. For hamburgers and hot dogs.
Me: I also noted from my research that Sara Lee owns Playtex and Wonderbra. But it also owns a grocery in Holland. Do you know if they sell melons?
I thought that went pretty well, from a journalistic standpoint. So I researched other corporate affiliations. It turns out that mega-mergers and acquisitions have created a lot of unusual combinations of products.
Altria Group Inc.
Me: I couldn't help but notice that through two subsidiaries — Philip Morris, and Callard and Bowser Inc. — you guys not only make cigarettes but also Altoids, the curiously strong mint.
Katie Kurz: Yes.
Me: So you market a product that can give bad breath, but then also market a product to address the problem?
Katie: Some could see it that way, yes.
Me: Under the same practical philosophy, concerning Philip Morris, does Altria have any plans to buy a company that makes tombstones?
Katie: I'm afraid I'm a little uncomfortable with this line of questioning.
Coors Brewing Co.
Me: I see that, in addition to brewing beer, Coors also owns something called the Rocky Mountain Water Co. And suddenly it hit me: Is it possible that, tragically, the two products sometimes inadvertently get mingled? Might that explain it?
Amy Valdez: No!
Me: Are you sure?
Amy: Yes!
Me: Darn. I thought I had it figured out.
McAndrews & Forbes Holdings Inc.
Me: Though Revlon is your major subsidiary, I see that you also own a company with the interesting name of "Mafco." Also, you own the Allied-Barton Security Services, which offers personal protection, right?
Christine Taylor: Yes.
Me: My question is: "Mafco" and "protection"? What kind of organization are you, if you get my drift?
Christine: Ha-ha-ha.
Me: What product does Mafco make?
Christine: Licorice extracts.
Me: So you say.
Christine: The "Maf" stands for "McAndrews and Forbes."
Me: And I'm sure you're sticking to that.
General Electric Co.
Me: I couldn't help but notice that, through its subsidiaries, your corporation manufactures both gas turbines and rectal thermometers.
Gary Sheffer: Actually, that's true.
Me: I was wondering if the corporation has ever considered combining these technologies to produce a new source of power that might reduce our dependence on foreign oil.
Gary: Wow. Well, we are looking at various alternative energy sources, including wind power.
Me: There you go! So my idea is right up your alley. Do you think it might fly?
Gary: Frankly, I think it will end right here.
Me: You said "end."
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