Home
In this issue
December 2, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Defending the Right to a Jewish State

Heather Hale: Compliment your kids without giving them big heads

Megan Shauri: 10 ways you are ruining your own happiness

Carolyn Bigda: 8 Best Dividend Stocks for 2015

Kiplinger's Personal Finance editors: 7 Things You Didn't Know About Paying Off Student Loans

Samantha Olson: The Crucial Mistake 55% Of Parents Are Making At Their Baby's Bedtime

Densie Well, Ph.D., R.D. Open your eyes to yellow vegetables

The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon With its colorful cache of purples and oranges and reds, COLLARD GREEN SLAW is a marvelous mood booster --- not to mention just downright delish
April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review April 5, 2005 / 25 Adar II, 5765

Becoming More Resilient

By Marty Nemko

Nemko
Printer Friendly Version
Email this article

http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Why are only some people able to quickly bounce back from setbacks, for example, getting fired or losing a loved one?

According to UC Davis resiliency expert Emmy Werner, it's partly innate but we all can learn to become more resilient. I agree. Here's my approach to building resiliency, borne of my work in helping many clients to bounce back.

Minimize ‘processing.’ The more time you spend thinking and talking (especially brooding), about your adversity, the more your malaise and sense of victimhood will harden and, in turn, keep you mired. If you truly need time to process, take a day or at most a week to write in your journal, whine to a friend, whatever. (Don't belly-ache so much that you risk losing your friend.)

Far better, give yourself just 15 minutes to get it out of your system. I can just hear some of you: ‘Just 15 minutes? You're so insensitive! It takes much longer to process such a horrible event!#0146; I can only say that based on my experience, the less you replay the event, the faster you'll feel better and get back on your feet.

If you need the 15 minutes, say (or yell) whatever you want: ‘That miserable boss!’ ‘How dare my spouse dump me?’ ‘The reverse racism is outrageous!,’ whatever. If it will make you feel better, burn an effigy of the fool who fired you.

Avoid wallowers. Sure, you may enjoy talking with them. After all, they specialize in expressing sympathy, listening patiently and saying amen to your moans of victimization and self-pity. Plus, they rarely push you to do anything outside your comfort zone. But ultimately, such people don't serve your interests. Usually they just want, if only unconsciously, someone to validate their own inaction.

Replace thoughts of the adversity with a positive plan. For example, develop a plan for getting a new job, meeting a new partner, or preventing further abuse. Try to pick a big, inspiring goal. For example, if you failed on a project, come up with an idea for a bigger, more exciting one.

If you've failed many times, you may feel too pessimistic to get out there and try again. The solution is to create a new reason for optimism. For example, if you've failed because you're lousy with details, make your goal to find a project or job that doesn't require detail work. If your romantic relationships keep failing, promise yourself, for example, that you'll stop dating Bad Boys or high-maintenance women. In short, try something new. That will give you hope, which, in turn, will motivate you to get out there and try.

Can't come up with a goal you're excited about? Brainstorm with people you respect. If one person isn't helpful, find another. Be relentless.

Stop thinking and take that first low-risk step to achieving your goal. Don't do it next week. Do it today, ideally right after reading this column. For example, want to meet a romantic partner who's not broke? Sign up for a class on investing. Do it now. Want a better job? Phone friends who might help you find good work. Do it now. Or even jump in the car, walk into a dream employer and ask for your dream job. Sounds audacious, but many times, it works. Often, key to getting what you want is simply asking enough people for it.

Don't let fear stand in your way. Worst that could happen, you get rejected. You'll survive. Winners are rejected all the time. If you wait for the fear to dissipate before you act, you may be waiting for Godot. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Get support. If you can't figure out your next step or are procrastinating on implementing your plan, find a loving taskmaster. Pick someone you respect who believes in you. Chat once, weekly, or as needed. Or start a Success Team: At each weekly meeting, each person reports on his or her progress toward meeting a goal and the other group members offer suggestions and encouragement.

Follow this column's suggestions and you'll probably derive more benefits than from any other advice I could give you.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

400+ of Dr. Nemko's published writings are on www.martynemko.com. Comment by clicking here.

Archives

© 2005, Dr. Marty Nemko

Columnists

Toons

Lifestyles