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Jewish World Review April 18, 2005 / 9 Nisan, 5765 And now for the important news .... By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
New York Yankee Gary Sheffield went nuts in Boston Thursday
night when a fan reached for a ball in play and accidentally
slugged him in the face. You can't blame him for being angry. Only
the alternative minimum tax hit him harder last week.
The National Football League has its player draft Saturday
in New York. Each draftee has been tested for speed and strength
and mental agility. Imagine the concentration it takes to memorize
the marijuana laws of thirty-one different cities.
The Errol Flynn Movie Collection got great reviews from
Entertainment Weekly Friday and will be released on DVD in video
stores tomorrow. He will always be very popular. The Democrats use
Robin Hood and Don Juan as candidate training films.
John Bolton's nomination as U.N. Ambassador was delayed by
the Senate Thursday. He's a war hawk and proud of it. When
President Bush promised to show weapons of mass destruction to the
United Nations, no one thought it would be in human form.
French President Jacques Chirac warned his country Friday
that rejecting the EU constitution will only help the United
States. You would think France would be nicer to us. It's never
more than forty years before Rumplehitler wakes up next door.
Wendy's offered a one hundred thousand dollar reward Friday
for information about who put the human finger in their chili.
Boxing fans don't need to worry. Unless it turns out to be an ear,
Mike Tyson will still be allowed to fight next month.
The Census Bureau said Thursday the outer suburbs of cities
are expanding at the expense of forests. Sequoias are threatened
in California. The tallest trees are two thousand years old, but
considering they don't exercise, they look pretty good.
Canada passed a law halting tourists with DUI's at the
Canadian border. This summer Toronto was scheduled to host the AA
world convention. Don't miss it when seventy thousand drunks try
to shout the Serenity Prayer together over Niagara Falls.
Barry Bonds was loudly booed at Dodger Stadium Tuesday over
steroid use. The guy is not without friends. After his mistress
told the grand jury what he had done, Bill Clinton called and gave
him the name of a good urologist in San Francisco.
The U.S. Congress passed landmark bankruptcy reform
legislation Thursday. This problem has gotten worse and worse.
Today identity thieves have to steal twenty-six Social Security
numbers before they find one whose credit cards aren't maxed out,
which puts a big dent in U.S. productivity.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
Comment by clicking here.
© 2005, Argus Hamilton |
Mitch Albom | |||||||||||
