The White House confirmed on Thursday that U.S. Marines are now on the ground in Syria to help destroy ISIS in the region. The administration also announced the prime minister of Iraq plans to visit the White House in ten days. Let's watch the fun when he tries to enter the United States.
• House Republicans fast-tracked the GOP health care bill through committees. The leadership wants you to know their plan stressed personal responsibility. For over a century, Americans have been relying on other people, like doctors and paramedics for their health care needs.
• The GOP health care plan passed committee votes as Republicans leaders fought with conservatives over tax credits. There are other health care plans out there. For instance, Putin Care offers each Russian two shots to the back of the head if you have a cold and you know too much.
• Senate Democrats ripped the House GOP health care bill , saying that it favors the rich and would leave millions of poor people without health care. That's the party line. If the Democrats had their way, the America's Cup would begin a half-mile upstream from Niagara Falls.
• Barack Obama's half-brother Malik Obama produced a birth certificate Thursday that shows that Barack was born in Kenya when it was a British Colony. This is serious. It nearly killed the Democrats that Trump got elected but they might commit mass suicide if it turns out he was also right.
• Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin caused the markets to balk when he announced he will ask Congress to raise the debt ceiling. For crying out loud, it's already at twenty trillion dollars. We may have cut back the space program but we haven't given up our quest to reach infinity.
• President Trump greeted school kids at the White House. He was a bit embarrassed when a camera revealed he'd repaired the neck tie he was wearing with Scotch tape. Democrats joked the billionaire was too cheap to buy a new tie, while Republicans blamed Obama for taping him.
• The White House said President Trump's tweet late Saturday night saying Obama wiretapped his phone will be referred to Congress. North Korea, Iran and Russia learned a valuable strategic lesson from the president's outburst. Never bother Trump when he's watching Saturday Night Live.
• Former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper told Meet the Press there was no evidence of Russian collusion with the Trump campaign. He also said U.S. spy agencies don't use classified information on political opponents. That's the IRS' job and they're in a different union.
• Wikileaks released leaked CIA documents revealing the CIA's got the ability to spy on people during their most intimate moments at home through their smart phones and laptop screens. Not everyone is worried. Los Angeles is the only city where people think the CIA doesn't watch us enough.
• The CIA hunted for leakers after Wikileaks revealed they can spy on foreign agents through their smart-phones. They're outraged that somebody leaked secret information they stole in the first place. It's like the prostitute who told the judge she decided she'd been raped when the check bounced.
• Mercedes-Benz announced it will produce the world's most luxurious and powerful SUV made. Priced at half a million dollars, it may weigh an extra a ton with all the luxury accessories. They gave this SUV an American name, in fact it's named after the new EPA Secretary.
• The New York Times says Barack Obama is irked and aggravated by the charges by President Trump that Obama bugged his Trump Tower campaign office phone just before the election. He's acting guiltier by the day. He's just vowed to spend the rest of his life looking for the real wire-tapper.
• President Trump called Senator Rand Paul from the Oval Office to push for the GOP health care bill. It was just Trump and Senator Paul on the line, plus the CIA, the NSA, Barack and the Russians. Whenever Trump calls Domino's, it's like ordering pizza for an entire fraternity house.
• Fox News cited a jobs survey saying three hundred-forty-six thousand jobs were created in the U.S. during President Trump's first month in office. And that excludes paid protestors. Whistling Dixie is when CNN commentators complain it's going to be a long four years under President Trump.
• The Dallas Morning News reported Wednesday that the Texas Highway Patrol arrested a man for indecent exposure after people witnessed him having sex with a fence along a state highway near Austin. The news traveled quickly over the border. Mexico just named him their national mascot.
• The GOP health care bill rolled out this week ends the ten percent Obamacare tax on tanning salon sessions that helped fund Obamacare. Trump has reversed Obama's Mexican border policy and now he's ending Obama's ten percent excise tax on indoor tanning sessions. Leave it to Democrats to help brown people become Americans and then tax Americans who want to become browner people.
• House Republicans finished writing the first draft of a GOP health care bill that would replace Obamacare if passed into law. Opposition is fierce. Obamacare is bad, but it's the only health care policy that might accidentally show you free porn when you go to the website to see if you are covered.
• Congress saw both parties talking past each other in the health care debate. The GOP talks costs while the Democrats talk adequate coverage. Republicans want to lower deductibles and reduce premiums and Democrats are looking for something to reduce the redness in the center of the country.
• President Trump went to the whip to spur Congress to sack Obamacare Thursday. They're in no hurry. If they pass the bill they'll be able to say they saved lives, if they waste an entire year on this bill and accomplish nothing, they will be able to run on all the money they saved the taxpayers.
• House Republicans split over the American Health Care Act rolled out by Speaker Ryan this week. Conservatives called it Obamacare Lite. The phones lines on Capitol Hill were so tied up by angry callers that lawmakers had to use their own cell phones to place their NCAA tournament bets.
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