Barbra Streisand blamed her weight gain on all the pancakes she eats to salve her anger while watching the morning news. The Democrats are splitting apart. BLM activists were just arrested for plotting to blow up Jewish centers, now Streisand launches an unprovoked attack on Aunt Jemima.
• Former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper said Sunday he never wire-tapped Trump's phone. Republicans quickly pointed out he once lied to Congress. Clapper then said they found no collusion between the Trump campaign and the Russians, and Democrats quickly pointed out he once lied to Congress.
• Mexico posted a video telling illegal immigrants how to use the U.S. court system to clog up the U.S. deportation process. The language barrier creates enough chaos. Yesterday in a Los Angeles courtroom, two Mexican guys showed up for their deportation hearing, and the judge married them.
• President Trump asked Congress to investigate his claim that Obama people bugged his phone in his Trump Tower campaign office just before the election. It may be true or not, but it set a bad example for the faithful. Gary Busey just accused Barack Obama of wire-tapping his sea shells.
• The White House released a revised travel ban Monday which will allow vetted Iraqis into the U.S. but no one from Libya, Syria, Iran, Somalia and Yemen. It's still pretty loosey-goosey. Mexican illegal immigrants routinely adopt Arab names so it will be easier to go in and out of the United States.
• Russia's U.S. Ambassador Sergey Kislyak had an open social calendar all weekend as no one in Washington will talk to him. It spread to Hollywood. Backstage at the Comedy Store Friday, Yakov Smirnov tried to make eye contact with me, but I averted his glance and looked the other way.
• President Trump's allies said Sunday that President Obama's Justice Department wire-tapped the Trump election headquarters to try to help elect Hillary Clinton. That's our gal. You start out your public career forty-two years ago investigating Richard Nixon and you end it by channeling him.
• President Trump signed an executive order deregulating the financial markets to help free up capital for brand new business start-ups. It looks like I may be the next high tech billionaire. I just invented an app that sends a text message to the driver in front of you whenever the light turns green.
• President Trump counterattacked against Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi's attacks on Jeff Sessions by tweeting pictures of them with the Kremlin's U.S. ambassador. How nasty could this get? The Democrats were just reminded the Lewinsky family originally came to the United States from Russia.
• Attorney General Jeff Sessions stepped aside from any investigation about the Trump campaign's contacts with Russia last fall. The paranoia is spreading. In Hollywood, Bullwinkle Moose just admitted he spoke with Boris and Natasha and he has agreed to recuse himself from the next cartoon.
• President Trump in his speech to Congress outlined his plan to replace Obamacare with a new plan. Health insurance is the world's biggest racket. I bet you, the insurer, that I'm going to get seriously ill, then you bet me I'm going to stay healthy, and then I pay you a fortune, hoping you win.
• The National Forest Service issued a warning to hikers in California's Lake Tahoe foothills to stop taking selfies with bears in the forest. It's a win-win. If the hiker survives, he gets a photo to prove he's at one with nature and if not the bear gets a nice photo of last night's steak and ribs dinner.
• Democrat U.S. Rep. Cedric Richmond made a nasty crack about a photo of Kellyanne Conway sitting on an Oval Office couch on her knees. Let's not judge. With a test tube, a fertile egg and a surrogate mom, any geneticist could scrape that couch and clone JFK or Bill Clinton in nine months.
• President Trump vowed to cut the national debt by stimulating the U.S. economy Thursday. It never stops growing. To appreciate the rolling power of interest rates, remember that our twenty trillion dollar national debt began when Alexander Hamilton borrowed a hundred bucks from Payday Loans.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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