• The New York Post released a poll saying public regard for House and Senate leaders in both parties and administration officials is at an all-time low. I have figured how to keep congressmen, senators or White House officials from ever speaking to me. I've decided to self-identify as a Russian.
• Rick Perry was confirmed as Energy Secretary Thursday while a brain surgeon became head of HUD and Jeff Sessions agreed he can't be trusted to investigate himself. It gets better. The guy who gave the wrong envelope to Warren Beatty was confirmed as Secretary of Filing Things Properly.
• Attorney General Jeff Sessions recused himself from investigating Russian ties to the Trump campaign Thursday. He's on the hot seat. Democrats are so determined to impeach Jeff Sessions for talking to the Russian ambassador that they've forgotten to impeach him for being a Confederate.
• Capitol Hill broke into a partisan witch hunt Thursday for any Trump Administration official who ever spoke to a Russian. Everyone's under close scrutiny. Ivanka Trump admitted she once heckled Yakov Smirnov in Branson, and Democrats are demanding that she resign as First Daughter.
• Barack Obama is being publicly lobbied by a Paris political group to run for the presidency of France. He can't legally run now because he's not French. However Obama supporters are trying to change the French constitution to allow presidential candidates who were born in the U.S. or Kenya.
• President Trump plans to ask Congress for an extra fifty-four billion dollars for the military in his budget to Congress next week. It'd be nice if we could all be friends. If the terrorists could just see video of Americans at the self-checkout registers, they'd realize they have nothing to fear from us.
• President Trump was in Newport News Thursday to dedicate a new U.S. aircraft carrier named after his fellow president and golfer Gerald R. Ford. He was the most dangerous driver since Ben-Hur. When playing with Ford you had to be in a foursome-you, Jerry, a paramedic and a faith healer.
• Forbes ran an article laying out a financial plan for young people that allows them to retire in forty years with a million dollars. It takes planning and discipline. In Los Angeles, nothing makes you feel stupider than coming home from a riot with ten cases of Pampers and you don't have a kid.
• The Wall Street Journal reported that Barack and Michelle Obama have signed a sixty million dollar His-and-Hers book advance deal with Random House. The Democrats were at a loss for words when they heard the news. Even the Obamas are doing better under President Trump.
• Oprah Winfrey told an interviewer Wednesday that Donald Trump's election made her briefly consider running for president. She dismissed the idea. If Oprah were president, the U.S. would lose money, and then gain money, and then lose money and then gain money, and then blame it on bread.
• President Trump will issue a new order banning people from terror nations amid protests over his orders to build a border wall and repeal Obamacare. Democrats want to impeach him already. It would be the first time in history that a president got impeached for keeping his campaign promises.
• Rory McElroy said Sunday he's taken aback at all the social media anger over his playing golf with President Trump last weekend. He's in big trouble. Democrats may be lousy golfers but they are the world's best at standing near the tee-box and shouting something at the top of your backswing.
• The NFL is holding its rookie combine at the Indianapolis Colts' indoor stadium this week to scout potential draft picks. Not all the top dogs showed up. Quarterback Baker Mayfield decided to stay at Oklahoma his senior year to work on his yes sir, no sir and you are absolutely right, officer.
• President Trump enjoyed rave reviews and national approval for his televised speech to a joint session of Congress Tuesday. It prompted even critics to say this was the night he became president. Hillary Clinton saw how the Oscars ended on Sunday night and thought she might still have a chance.
• The White House hosted news anchors for an off-the-record lunch Tuesday before his speech to Congress. They said he'd be offering immigration reform in his speech but he didn't. Taking a drink every time that President Trump mentions amnesty for illegal aliens is a great way to stay sober.
• Politico sent a reporter to cover Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg's daily workout with her trainer in Washington. Her routine includes push-ups, planks and weightlifting squats. Justice Ginsberg decided to start seriously taking care of her health around midnight on Election Day.
• President Trump enjoyed rave reviews for his presidential demeanor in his speech to Congress Tuesday in front of sixty million viewers. His media critics are scrambling. The Los Angeles Times was so mystified by Trump's moderate tone they're certain somebody was handed the wrong envelope.
• NAACP's Rachel Dolezol, who spray-tanned her face black before being outed by her parents as white changed her name to Nkechi, Nigerian for Gift from G0D. That's going too far. Everyone who lives in L.A. uses spray tan and thinks we're God's Gift, but we don't put it on our driver's licenses.
• The World Health Organization released a medical study Thursday which warned Americans that physical inactivity is the number-one cause of death due to heart disease. That sounds totally illogical. If inactivity killed you, the floor of the U.S. Congress would be littered with dead bodies today.
• Queen Elizabeth celebrated the sixty-fifth anniversary of her coronation and ascension to the throne recently. However she cannot rule without Parliament. The Magna Carta prevented absolute monarchy for five hundred-sixty years before the Americans rebelled and created the U.S. presidency.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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