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The concept of Donald Trump delivering famous speeches has been tried before, but when it was tried before, he had not gotten up in front of the American people after winning Michigan and Mississippi on Semi-Super Tuesday and delivered an hour-long infomercial for Trump Water, Trump Wine, Trump Steaks and Trump Magazine. He even praised Trump University and Trump Airlines. Meanwhile Hillary Clinton started her speech and ended it and we never cut away once.
Trump said, in his speech, that he was "more presidential than anybody ever except the great Abe Lincoln." But after seeing a transcript of Trump's Gettysburg Address, I am not sure he needed to stop there.
Hello America. Hello, Gettysburg!
I love Pennsylvania. I love it here! Look at this place. How can you not?
Forty, 50, maybe 60 years ago, some really brilliant, remarkable guys, they got together and said, hey, let's build something. Something great, where people can be equal. And now look. Look what we have. It's wonderful, isn't it? We're in the middle of ---
(smattering of applause)
Now we are engaged in a huge civil war. I mean huge. So big. They said we never would get here. All those guys, all the media ---
(crowd boos the one photographer slowly setting up a wet plate for daguerreotypes in his covered wagon)
They said: It'll never work. Won't get off the ground. They said, this war will put an end to all of this. Well. I'll tell you what. We're going to dedicate some of this field, right now. I'm signing autographs, and they came to me, millions of people, they said, "Donald, are you sure?" They said, "Donald, don't do it." I said -- you know me. I said, "Listen, I have to do it. I think it's important."
Let's get Melania out here. Isn't she great?
But first, I want to show you something. They've said very bad, very bad things, preposterous things, about these wonderful Trump products and I'd just like to set the record straight.
The world will little note nor long remember what we say here. Well, maybe they will. I think they will. But maybe they will remember what a great product Trump University offers. Really wonderful, just quality. I still get letters from people saying they would give their lives for me, they come to me, weeping, they say, I can never repay you, not because I'm bankrupt now with the tuition, but because - you gave me life. And what do you say? Just great people.
You know me. You know what will endure? I brought these here so that you can see them. Trump magazines. They're very much still in business. They're a wonderful product. Five stars! And you don't need to fight over them, the way they fought here - terrible, just terrible. There's enough to go around.
Here's something else: Trump Wine. There may be vineyards where the grapes of wrath are stored, but not Trump vineyards. We only have the best, the happiest grapes. Look at this wine! Isn't it beautiful? I love it.
Pickett's charge, we accept. Pickett's cash or checks, we take also.
And Trump water. When Trump touches water, a miracle occurs: It turns into Trump water. Not Trump wine yet, we are not there yet! But one day, maybe! I don't know. Do I know? I believe it.
You hear a lot of talk about this, about that. About a house divided against itself cannot stand? But why divide your house. Don't do that. Stay in a Trump hotel or resort, where your house will never be divided. I promise you. Believe me.
Look where we are! This golf course --- Jack Nicklaus has played here. I beat him. Talk about endurance! I own this, you can play through once we get these honored dead off the course. It will be fantastic!
This nation, under G0D, shall have a new birth of freedom - and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.
Buy Trump Steaks.
Previously:
• 03/11/16: The Miami debate was Hillary's personal nightmare
• 03/03/16: Chris Christie's wordless screaming
• 02/29/16: But seriously, how do we turn this Donald Trump thing off?
• 02/19/16: Donald Trump for pope
• 02/15/16: What really happens at a Dem debate
• 02/01/16: Barbie is past saving
• 01/25/16: For the love of all that is holy, save small talk
• 01/20/16: Sean Penn meets the Almighty
• 01/05/16: 'Said' is not dead. Save boring words!
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