Jewish World Review March 11, 2014 / 9 Adar II, 5774
Hasn't science done enough harm to humanity?
By Rex Huppke
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Every night before bed, I ask G0D to protect us from scientists.
Apparently I haven't been praying hard enough, as I awoke the other morning to this headline: "Scientists revive giant 30,000-year-old virus from Siberian permafrost."
I read on and learned that French and Russian researchers dug deep into the Siberian ice and uncovered a long-dormant virus. Having apparently never seen a movie about how viral outbreaks turn humans into flesh-hungry zombies, the scientists proceeded to revive the virus by waving a fat, juicy amoeba in its face.
The virus infected the amoeba and the scientists celebrated by giving the virus a terrible name. They dubbed it "Pithovirus," after the Greek word pithos, which was the type of jar that Pandora opened. If you recall your Greek mythology, that jar contained not one, not two, but ALL the evils in the world.
So that's reassuring.
The researchers said the Pithovirus is harmless to humans, but they believe it shows that viruses from long ago -- including dangerous ones -- can be rereleased if the ice covering them melts due to global warming or human excavation.
Great. As if I didn't have enough to worry about already.
Sure, the researchers say learning about these viruses can help humans prepare for future outbreaks.
But I say if there's some deadly humongo-virus hidden deep under the ice in
This is just the latest example of science ruining everything.
Thanks to curious lab nerds, I now know it's unhealthy to eat an entire cake in one sitting. I can't smoke, because that's bad. Depending on which study you believe, my life will be shortened by: too much sitting, not enough sleeping, not enough running, too much running, not enough fish oil (blech), too much fish oil, eating red meat, eating any meat, trying to hunt my own meat, overcooking the aforementioned meat, undercooking the aforementioned meat and worrying too much about how I cook my meat.
Science has stressed me out over bird flu and then stressed me out again over bird flu shots. It has made me both fear global warming and think global warming is a myth, and now, by giving a newly discovered virus a scary mythical name, science has made me worry that at any moment a clumsy French researcher will drop a petri dish full of the FaceMeltovirus, shout "Sacre bleu!" and pretty much stick a fork in humanity.
There is only one logical response to this tidal wave of uncomfortable news: I'm calling for an end to science. Let's just stop where we are and call it good.
We're coming after you like a Pithovirus going after an amoeba. I don't know what that means, but it sure sounds scary.
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Rex Huppke is a columnist for The Chicago Tribune. Comment by clicking here.
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=<< © 2013, The Chicago Tribune. Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services.
© 2013, The Chicago Tribune. Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services.