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April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review March 15, 2013/ 4 Nissan, 5773

The TV remote is Harvard's answer to birth control

By Greg Schwem



JewishWorldReview.com | "Where's the remote?" I screamed at nobody in particular one recent Saturday. College basketball was about to start and I was determined to catch the entire game, as opposed to spending the first few minutes shoving my hands into our furniture's every crevasse before actually locating the electronic lifeline to my flat screen.

My wife appeared, clutching the precious device in her left hand. "It's right here, honey," she said, a touch of evil in her voice.

"May I please have it?" I asked. Only instead of handing it over, she held it behind her back. "Not so fast."

"If you're expecting me to sit or roll over like the dog, may I remind you that my knees are killing me," I replied. "Since when does the remote come with a ransom note?"

"First, answer one question. Do you want any more children?"

"Right now I'd prefer some chips and salsa."

"I'm serious," she said, switching the remote to her other hand and extending it high over her head. "Do you want a third? Or a fourth?"

"Honey, if you're in the mood now, I can record the game. Of course that also requires that thing you're holding."

"Yes or no?"

"NO, I DON'T WANT ANY MORE KIDS!" I screamed, my voice reverberating throughout the house.

"Geez, what did we do?" my 15 year old yelled from her room.

"We thought you LIKED children," her 10-year-ol

d sister replied from the basement.

"WHAT is this all about?" I demanded.

"Apparently you didn't read the Harvard study concluding that excessive TV watching can lower your sperm count."

"I try not to read anything that comes out of Harvard. Too many big words."

"Well you should have read this. Did you know more than 20 hours of weekly TV viewing can reduce your count by up to 44 percent?"

"Did you know that reading too many medical studies can reduce your enjoyment for life by up to 100 percent?"

"I'm just saying that maybe we wouldn't have needed, you know, 'help' to have our daughters if we'd known then what we know now."

CONFUSED READER ALERT!: "Help" is a synonym for "fertility specialist" -- although the Microsoft thesaurus would never suggest it.

"So I should blame our inability to conceive on Jerry Seinfeld and the cast of 'Friends'?" I asked, referring to the characters I howled at religiously -- even in syndicated reruns -- in the early '90s when we made the decision to start a family.

"It's possible."

"Yeah, but 20 hours? A week? If I had the house to myself for a week, I wouldn't watch that much TV."

"Oh, yeah? What would you do?"

"Change the subject please."

"You watched 15 hours of Super Bowl coverage in one day."

"Hey, that's an exception. And besides, that hourlong documentary on the history of the coin flip was fascinating."

"So, you think the study is wrong?"

"Actually, I hope it's correct," I replied. "This could be a great alternative for men considering vasectomies. No need to go under the knife anymore. Just buy the 'Star Wars' box set on DVD, curl up on the couch and hit auto repeat."

"Go ahead and make jokes," she said. "Forget all the pills, the injections and the blood draws I endured just so I could get pregnant."

"WE could get pregnant," I corrected her. "I was with you every step of the way."

"You were in the waiting room. With all the other wannabe dads."

"But I was there. It's not like I dropped you at the front door and went to a tavern around the corner."

"OK, you were there. And what were you doing the entire time?"

"Reading magazines," I said. "And . . . watching...TV."

She huffed as only wives know how to do. "Enjoy the game," she said, surrendering the remote.

College hoops shouldn't come with so much guilt.

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Greg Schwem is a corporate stand-up comedian and author of "Text Me If You're Breathing: Observations, Frustrations and Life Lessons From a Low-Tech Dad".

© 2013, Greg Schwem Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

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