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Jewish World Review March 12, 2013/ 1 Nissan, 5773 She's taking a risk with the meatballs By Celia Rivenbark http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | (MCT) On my bucket list was a something quite challenging, at least for me. Tandem skydiving? Hiking the Appalachian Trail? African safari? Have we met? Y'all know I don't have any of that high-minded physical exertion stuff on my list. No, no. Before I get completely dotty and check into the Gardens of Despair Nursing Home Out By The Interstate Highway, I simply had to eat the Swedish meatballs at IKEA. It wasn't as easy as you might think because the nearest IKEA is a wretchedly dull four-hour drive from my home in Wilmington, N.C., to the big city of Charlotte. Until you have actually driven this road, you can scarcely imagine such a mind-numbingly dull expanse of scrub pine and substandard housing but, woops, there it is. Hour upon hour with only the occasional "wake up Fool!" strips on the pavement to relieve the monotony. Thank you D.O.T. I'm exaggerating, of course, but not by much. There are darling towns off the main highway that are fun to explore. ("Turn here! See SausageMade!") but the highway itself, well, only the promise of horse-free meatballs and sleek, well-priced home furnishings (plus super cute juice glasses for a dollar!) made the drive worthwhile. I've heard that Charlotte also contains stadiums, museums and nice restaurants but, really, why eat anywhere else but a furniture store, am I right? It was only a tiny deterrent that, last week, the meatballs at IKEA stores in Europe were found to contain horsemeat. Hysteria ensued. Europeans are so very particular about their food. And yet, haggis. Go figure. A spokesman's lukewarm words of comfort reminded me of the (very) old Monty Python skit. The restaurant guest asks what's on the menu and the server responds: "Rat pudding, rat pie and strawberry tart." Visibly upset, the diner says, "Strawberry tart???" and the server says, "Well, 'tis got some rat in it." Maybe you had to be there. One place I had to be was IKEA. And I'm happy to say that it has now been safely checked off the bucket list. The meatballs, 15 of 'em, served with mashed potatoes and lingonberries were delicious. IKEA is somewhat obsessed with lingonberries because they apparently grow plentifully in Swedenville. The only other place I've ever seen lingonberries was at a pancake house at Dollywood (OK, also a bucket list item; I told you I like to aim low.) My friend, Lisa, also an IKEA virgin and a vegetarian, was pleased to see meat-free options. Most involved lingonberries. We were Donner-party levels of hungry as we lined up behind one of those families where the kids get to make all the decisions. ("Atticus, what type of pickled herring would you like? Take your time; everyone can wait.") Our nails grew while the kid pondered. Finally, I moved my tray around all of them earning a hella home-school stinkeye from the Mom. Whatever. I haven't got all day. There's more on that list. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment by clicking here. Celia Rivenbark is the New York Times bestselling author of 'You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl'. Virtually friends, not wedding-worthy The bow, the bump, Namaste and the nod Help wanted, royally Cussing has become lazy Resolving to break the following resolutions Living the Pottery Barn life . . . in her mind Banking on celebrity fame, shame . . . and cover-worthiness When your email provider belies your, ahem, age Bringing Anarchy home Betting on a celebrity calamity Undergarments on parade All the news that's fit . . . for the toilet Nutty? Or just too much Nutella? Have a seat . . . if you dare Motherhood, Hollywood style Parents, kids don't want you at games Parents, kids don't want you at games It was fine . . . until they called it 'pink slime' She'll miss Walmart's 'aggressive hospitality' Pageant mom wastes dollars, lacks sense When counter intuitiveness fails Dear older folks: Think before you ink They let their thumbs do the walking . . . to the wrong phone Congressional plans lacking horse sense She's Forever Lazy, so butt out It was famous while it lasted: Celebrities as marital guest stars It's all about the ‘Sass-poles’ Mothers and daughters and books, oh my Her Klout starts with a ‘k’ She's naming names . . . Smurf style Copying her daughter? That's so Lohan! A few swift kicks in the seat Buy my %*&^ing book! Shellacked in a foreign language College degree can be had in 3 days She'll take names, and then call them losers I beg of you, spare the ‘Children’ Release the hoards Brace yourself for a luxurious smile, and a big bill Speaking her mind by pushing his buttons She'll have another shot of mugs Polygamy may only get one season A picture is worth $1,000 for retouching Not cancer, still a big fat pain A text is worth 1,000 words Ready for some laughs again Now men don't have to work out either Hormones rule home of Princess and mom Add some oohing, cooing to your kitchen Tweeting puppy a perfect pet … for twerps Science fair spurs on hyper parents Cat naps aren't all that popular among felines Nightmare in the mall's dead zone America: Cut out the need to be cute Taking a page from a ‘Mad’ mother She's adding truth serum to her Cap'n Crunch Snuggie ensnares another victim, er, admirer Florida can keep its snakes She's homeless . . . but for $95 she can go home with your princess Southern fish experiencing identity crises Monkey baby big business for the small-minded All mommixed up? Try keeping toes in a breath-mint tin Thunder thighs finally get revenge Where would I be without the digested read? Butter buds: Julia and Celia Facebook is for ‘old’ people, too, missy Ch-ch-ch-changes Getting refreshment not berry smooth in age of mass marketing Reality show lowers her IQ to sub-dirt levels Cuddle parties are the latest weird trend Middle school is a whole new game and these players are vicious If the first lady can dig in the dirt, why can't I? Somehow, we've all lost our internal censors Not to rub it in, Barbie, but you're old Some things you probably don't need to know about your friends Big family, big ratings, big mess Fred Mertz for vice president Women and tools are like grease, water Runners are a different breed of folk altogether Don't get all bento out of shape For you, Princess? I'll buy junk Gwyneth P. needs big ol' reality check Reality show amuses yet repels viewer Spying on kid at summer camp awfully fulfilling Stars? Great outdoors? I don't think so Honesty in the name of fashion Perfect attendance award is for little, viral losers Trendy new ailment not for everybody What is wrong with the women today who marry insanely rich and talented men and then think they still have to cook? Shagadelic on the dance floor Ex-boyfriends can have the worst timing Little wonder many voters are confused Sound bites not easy in Southern I swear it's not my fault Celebrity news gets weirder, trumps all else Driver's license? Outta my way while I get `em Like taking Miley Cyrus tickets from a baby Driving under the influence of celebrity Hugged your Webkinz today? Hate mail spawned by humor columns ‘High School Musical’ rocks to the max! Where did latest ‘syndrome’ come from? Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Office gossip is protected free speech First-class corpse Song lyrics have only gotten dumber Talk to the clock because the ISP doesn't care Being a happy human vessel has its limits Who's not your daddy? Phoning for dazzlers Proper spelling begins at home Sick of the waiting room Road signs Halt your motion toward the lotion Sudoku's got my husband's number One short stack of smarts, please Spa me the kids IRS wants us to like it so much that it smacks of desperation Uniforms: Soul-sucking sameness Girls' pajama parties a little different now Welcome back for guilt-free manly man A big boo-hoo for disgraced celebs Girls' pajama parties a little different now When Bubbas and hoes are extra welcome Ageless icons can't escape their ages Gifts to kids' teachers make competitive moms antsy Kid bumper stickers sure not ‘terrific’ © 2007, The Sun News Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services

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