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Jewish World Review March 5, 2013 / 23 Adar, 5773 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Court TV had big ratings Friday airing the murder trial of Jodie Arias in Phoenix. The spooky defendant shot and slashed her Mormon lover in the shower and left him there to die. Jodie Arias prides herself on having a beautiful body, it's just under the floorboards.
Taco Bell admitted Friday that there's horsemeat in its food. The FDA got suspicious last week when Lance Armstrong ran in the Ft. Worth Marathon and beat Secretariat's time in the first mile-and-a-quarter. Sure enough, he's tested positive for Burrito Supreme.
Dennis Rodman bid an emotional farewell to the people of North Korea Friday as his goodwill trip came to an end. The locals cried as he boarded the plane. They were proud that Dennis Rodman had just been given North Korea's highest honor, permission to leave.
Ford, Chrysler and GM reported a big gain in car sales in February. They said it's due to an improving real estate market. Americans who lived in abandoned Fords for the last four years have moved up in the world, and now they are living in abandoned Lincolns.
Homeland Security released two thousand illegal aliens into the Arizona countryside Friday. It was riders-up in Scottsdale. Ever since fox hunting was banned in the Western world six years ago they've had nothing to chase down and trap except delinquent tenants.
President Obama warned that U.S. Capitol janitors face pay cuts and furloughs Friday. However a Capitol building administrator said the president is dead wrong. So even with all the job losses we know there'll soon be an opening for a Capitol building administrator.
Cook County Supervisors added an extra one-dollar tax on cigarettes Friday, making cigarettes eleven dollars a pack in Chicago. The world has officially gone mad. Leave it to Democrats to tax cigarettes until they're so expensive it makes crack cost-effective.
A Massachusetts woman was delivered seven pounds of marijuana sent to the wrong address by FedEx. She thought the pot was gift-box potpourri sent for her teenage daughter's birthday. Every high school in Boston just elected her the mom we wish we had.
President Obama received a State Department environmental report approving the Keystone oil pipeline. The president was reported to be nearing a surprise about-face decision to okay the project. It proves that even urban community organizers begin to take on the characteristics of Republican oil men when they start playing golf once a day.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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