Jewish World Review March 16, 2012/ 22 Adar, 5772
GOP Wants YOU for Its Nominee
By Roger Simon
Or are YOU in a DEAD-END job with LITTLE chance of ADVANCEMENT?
Are you BORED? FIDGETY? DISCONNECTED from REALITY and possessing certain DELUSIONAL tendencies?
Do you believe in a MOON COLONY?
Would you like NASCAR, NFL team owners and other NE'ER-DO-WELLS to SUCK UP to YOU?
Or are you just eager to IMPOSE your own PERSONAL RELIGIOUS BELIEFS on the rest of the AMERICAN PEOPLE?
In that case: Would YOU like to be the PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE of the UNITED STATES REPUBLICAN PARTY?
This is no JOKE, SCAM OR PHISHING swindle! Send no MONEY to FOREIGN PRINCES. No HOOKERS will call.
On the contrary, vast sums of MONEY will be sent to YOU by SUPER PACS!
The SECOND OLDEST political party in the United States, with 158 YEARS of PROVEN EXPERIENCE and a PROUD HISTORY that counts among its members ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THEODORE ROOSEVELT and KARL ROVE NEEDS YOU.
This party is a FIXER-UPPER but with UNLIMITED POTENTIAL!
All it needs is VISION, PURPOSE, ORGANIZATION, the ABILITY TO CONNECT WITH ORDINARY PEOPLE, PROOF that it does not HATE women, Latinos, the poor, the ill, the downtrodden and other lazy bums who leach off society.
THIS PERSON CAN BE YOU!
THERE ARE NO BACKGROUND CHECKS REQUIRED!
HAVE AN EXCESS OF FORMER SPOUSES?
A PENCHANT FOR FANATICISM?
OR EVEN PAST CRUELTY TO ANIMALS?
THIS IS NOT A DEAL-BREAKER!
A team of PROFESSIONALS, the same people who vetted SARAH PALIN, will WORK with you, bring you UP TO SPEED and even provide you with a FABULOUS WARDROBE.
NERVOUS? Do NOT be!
Your COMPETITION is NOT that tough.
On Tuesday, in an interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer, GOP front-runner Mitt Romney said, "Sen. Santorum is at the desperate end of his campaign."
Within a few hours, Sen. Santorum would win the primaries in Alabama and Mississippi, and Romney would come in third.
So ask yourself: Could I be SMARTER than MITT ROMNEY?
Would I not have WAITED for Santorum to ACTUALLY LOSE before announcing the DESPERATE END of his campaign?
But wait! There's more.
Romney also said Santorum "is trying in some way to boost his prospects. And, frankly, misrepresenting the facts is not a good way of doing that."
Does it occur to you that this statement is more than a little DIM?
Does it occur to you that MISREPRESENTING THE FACTS is an EXCELLENT way to get the Republican nomination?
So remember: THIS is your competition for the nomination! Feel BETTER? Less NERVOUS?
As an added benefit, it will be possible for you and your crackerjack staff to speak in tongues.
Alice Stewart, the Santorum press secretary, said on CNN, "Romney is not resonating the base."
Do not worry. We will make sure YOU have your BASE RESONATED every 5,000 miles!
And do not be nervous about making BROAD, SWEEPING STATEMENTS that will come back to haunt you in the general election in November. All you have to do is win the REPUBLICAN NOMINATION and COAST from there.
So Mitt Romney made no GAFFES when he told a Missouri TV station this week: "Planned Parenthood, we're going to get rid of that. The subsidy for Amtrak, I'd eliminate that, the National Endowment for the Arts (and) the National Endowment for the Humanities."
These savings should help PAY FOR Romney's plans to cut taxes on the SUPER RICH.
But think there is no time to still enter and win? WRONG!
The nominee will need 1,144 delegates at the Republican National Convention — and yes, as the REPUBLICAN NOMINEE you will get a FREE trip for you and your family to TAMPA, FLORIDA, in LATE AUGUST, where we will arrange 10 PERCENT OFF TICKETS to Adventure Island, where you can "splash your way through more than 700 feet of twists and turns, water mines and a grand finale plunge into a refreshing pool."
But will somebody beat you to those 1,144 delegates? NO!
In an effort to become more like the DEMOCRATIC PARTY, the REPUBLICAN PARTY adopted rules this year guaranteeing TOTAL CHAOS because the DEMOCRATS always seemed to have so much more fun with their total chaos.
This is why Newt Gingrich believes nobody can get a majority of the delegates before the convention, which will lead to a wild, possibly suicidal, floor fight.
"When the primaries are over and it is clear nobody has won, who will do the best job against Barack Obama?" Gingrich asked this week.
The ANSWER may be YOU!
If in November, gasoline is $12.99 per gallon, unemployment is 15 percent and even Mitt Romney is forced to sell one of his bicoastal Cadillacs, the United States may descend into a state of CHAOS, TURMOIL and ZOMBIE ATTACKS, making the Republican nominee look MARGINALLY ACCEPTABLE.
So you have a chance to ENTER, RUN and WIN IT ALL.
We even have your CAMPAIGN SLOGAN ready for you:
Vote for ME. How much WORSE can I be than the REST of them?
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© 2009, Creators Syndicate