Jewish World Review March 16, 2012/ 22 Adar, 5772
The News in Zingers
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | U.S. Open champion Rory McIlroy was invited to the White House dinner for Britain Wednesday. It was the National Security Advisor's idea. After a week of focusing on the NCAA tournament, the president needed to get his mind back on golf where it belongs.
The Encyclopedia Britannica halted print editions due to online competition. In the old days, to learn about Queen Anne, you'd look up her name in the encyclopedia and read about her life. Today you simply type in Naked Photos of Queen Anne and press Enter.
Mitt Romney lost in Alabama and Mississippi Tuesday but the delegates will be split proportionally. His winner-take-all win in Hawaii added to his lead in delegates. Mitt gained fifteen percent in one day, which everyone has to do at Bain Capital or you get fired.
Mitt Romney tried to connect with Alabama and Mississippi GOP voters by adopting a Southern drawl and talking about how much he likes catfish and grits. It just wasn't his style. Mitt once tried growing his own food but he couldn't find any porterhouse seeds.
Rick Santorum edged Gingrich and Romney in the South on Tuesday but Mitt won in Hawaii. No one will have enough convention votes. That means by GOP rules Jeb Bush would get the nomination, because neither Prince William nor Prince Harry are thirty-five.
The San Francisco Drug Users Union was chartered this week and the drug union set up its office headquarters on Turk Street. It's a legalization club. The hall hosts drug support groups so people who are sober can assure everyone they're just on a union break.
The L.A. Dodgers neared a sale Sunday when four bidders got league approval. It could cost two billion dollars. Watching a game at Dodgers Stadium is like watching a game anywhere else, except during the seventh-inning stretch, when everybody changes wives.
Democratic billionaire donor George Soros was sued by his ex-girlfriend Tuesday for reneging on his promise to buy her a New York apartment. Last year he gave her a pair of diamond earrings on her birthday and she hasn't spoken to him since. That was the deal.
Northwest Bank decided to make branches more customer-friendly by having yoga classes in their bank lobbies. That is convenient. A bank robber will have half his work done for him when he walks into the lobby and everyone is already face down on the floor.
The FDA reported evidence of E. coli bacteria in lettuce and tomatoes Monday. Chalk it up to anti-immigration laws. Illegal aliens had to leave Arizona so fast last year that they didn't have time to teach U.S. citizens to wash their hands before they pick the produce.
The London Mail found a World War II British soldier's diary that supports the claim that Adolf Hitler fathered a son in France in World War I. The soldier wrote that he met the mother in France during World War II, who told him Hitler's son was fighting for France. It's the best example ever of how everyone suffers whenever the nuclear family breaks up.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton