Jewish World Review March 12, 2012/ 18 Adar, 5772
The News in Zingers
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Rhode Island's eighty-one-year-old Louise White won the Powerball Lottery Monday when she produced the winning ticket she's kept in her Bible. Her relatives tried to get her to take a Carnival Cruise to Mexico. They are just that anxious to inherit the money.
Maria Shriver was reported Thursday going to reconciliation therapy with husband Arnold Schwarzenegger. She has an open invitation to return to work at NBC News. NBC Dateline just offered her the moon to host To Catch a Predator with the Housekeeper.
President Obama trailed in a poll in the presidential race Thursday behind a generic Republican. That's a Republican with no particular name, no known beliefs and from no identifiable region. A police portrait artist couldn't draw a better likeness of Mitt Romney.
Energy Secretary Steven Chu told Congress that high gas prices will wean Americans off oil as car fuel. That's news. No one knew that when President Obama promised to get the U.S. economy on its feet it would end with Nike naming a walking shoe after him.
Defense Secretary Leon Panetta warned against sending troops to overthrow Bashar al-Assad in Syria Thursday. He's believed to have chemical and biological weapons. When Saddam Hussein died he willed his fantasy weapons of mass destruction to Bashar al-Assad.
The Postal Service cut its number of mail processing centers in half Friday. New data shows the USPS loses one billion dollars every month. The Postal Service always said it is the most profitable branch of government and now they have the numbers to back it up.
Queen Elizabeth's Diamond Jubilee parade will be led by Prince William's regiment on horseback in May. It's not a combat unit. It's hard for England to go to war because everything in the world worth capturing, stealing or sinking is insured by Lloyds of London.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton