Jewish World Review March 9, 2012/ 15 Adar, 5772
The News in Zingers
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Peyton Manning began receiving huge offers from other NFL teams Wednesday after the Indianapolis Colts released him. His agent will be asking for the moon. His new deal is expected to be the first sports contract ever pegged directly to the price of gasoline.
Texas police warned college students Friday not to go to Mexico on spring break. All the fun they have makes the gunfire worth running through. Texas kids come back so good at dodging bullets that when football season starts no defensive back can cover them.
The NFL moved Thursday to end team pools that give cash awards to players for hits that injure opponents. If you intentionally inflict a personal foul, you get a ten thousand dollar fine. If you do it for sixteen games, you get a twelve million dollar contract extension.
Prince Harry staged a race with Usain Bolt in Jamaica Tuesday. When the gun went off Bolt ran the hundred in nine seconds while Harry picked up a girl in the same time. The press box stewards are still reviewing the tapes to see who is the world's fastest man.
Britain's Olympics doctor told Olympic athletes not to shake hands with each other at the Summer Games. It'll spread germs. Michael Phelps got so sick last Olympics that he swore he'd never again shake hands with the guy who brought over the party supplies.
President Obama asked Israel to be patient with Iran during an Oval Office meeting on Monday. On Tuesday, the president assured Israel's prime minister that he'll always have the Israelis' back. They suspect he means back to Poland, back to Russia, and back to Germany.
Wikileaks quoted intelligence cables Tuesday saying that Osama bin Laden wasn't buried at sea. They say his body was flown to the U.S. for inspection, then cremated. The ashes were tossed out to sea where they washed ashore and knocked down a sand castle.
President Obama spoke at a Mercedes-Benz factory in North Carolina on Wednesday, where a woman fainted as she stood onstage. The president calmly called for a doctor, saying people faint all the time at his events. Unfortunately for the woman, all the doctors got out of the business when the first batch of ObamaCare regulations came out.
The Space Weather Prediction Center forecast a huge solar flare would hit the Earth Thursday at four million miles an hour. It could temporarily halt cell phone service. Steve Jobs isn't in heaven two months and already he's screwing AT&T as if he'd never left us.
Tim Tebow signed with the William Morris Agency last week in Hollywood. This week he turned down an offer to be on The Bachelor on ABC this fall and he also turned down Dancing with the Stars. It is a show business tradition that once you sign with William Morris you never work again.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton