Jewish World Review March 2, 2012/ 8 Adar, 5772
The News in Zingers
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Bill Clinton spoke to an energy convention Tuesday and he backed the Keystone oil pipeline. He said it's easy to go around the aquifers and sand hills. It just shows that if you pay a Democrat a ninety thousand dollar speaking fee, we can be energy independent.
Mitt Romney held service in the GOP Michigan primary Tuesday. He won handily in the Arizona primary. Also Home Depot's founder announced he is supporting Mitt Romney, which is nice because Mitt Romney was originally assembled with parts from Home Depot.
Newt Gingrich enjoyed an upsurge in the polls Wednesday as Southerners rallied to his candidacy for next week's Super Tuesday primary. His campaign was written off for dead twice. A win Tuesday and he breaks Israel's record for most number of resurrections.
North Korea's leader agreed to give up his nuclear weapons in exchange for American food to feed their people. The fact that they want American food tells you something. North Koreans do not want to die in a nuclear holocaust, they want to die of an obesity epidemic.
President Obama spoke to the UAW Tuesday and promised to buy a Chevy Volt when he leaves office. It makes no sense politically. President Obama's never going to get the NASCAR vote anyway, so why should he promise to drive a car that bursts into flames?
Hank Haney revealed Tiger Woods almost joined the Navy SEALs six years ago. It was a pointless exercise. Even if Tiger knew in advance that his wife was going to hit him with a golf club, Florida law would not allow him to land on the roof and blow her head off.
The U.S. Army began a color-coded cafeteria menu food program. It's to help soldiers differentiate between healthy choices and fatty ones. Do we really want people carrying weapons if they cannot tell the difference between a head of lettuce and a head of al-Qaeda?
The NFL moved its season opener from Thursday to Wednesday to avoid conflicting with President Obama's convention speech in Charlotte. He wants the airwaves all to himself and his face on every channel. He just warned the Home Shopping network that during the hour-long speech he expects them to sell TV sets that are tuned in to his speech.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton