Jewish World Review March 1, 2012/ 7 Adar, 5772
The News in Zingers
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | The CIA reported that al-Qaeda could set off a nuclear pulse bomb in outer space and disable the electronic grid. It would mean no cell phones, no texting and no e-mailing. Al-Qaeda has no motive to do this, but the Postal Service does, and they've got friends at NASA.
President Obama and Arizona Governor Jan Brewer avoided each other at the White House governors meeting. She's furious about illegal aliens. They're trampling and littering ranches in Arizona on their way back to Mexico to get away from the U.S. economy.
President Obama told Univision Tuesday that his presidency isn't over yet and he still has five years to go. It's true. He has a lawyer from ACORN who tells him that they can't get him out of the house for five years as long as he declares bankruptcy every six months.
Mitt Romney admitted his wealth again Monday, saying he has good friends who are NASCAR team owners. Once he released his tax returns he was a free man. He's been hiding in the middle-class for decades and he didn't want to die in the closet like Liberace.
Mitt Romney told conservatives Tuesday he is not going to set his hair on fire to win the GOP nomination. Thank goodness. With all the oil in his hair it would a take Texas fire crew two weeks to put him out, giving President Obama another excuse to ban drilling.
Whitney Houston's studio rushed to release her last movie, Sparkle, to capitalize on her tragic death. The movie capital truly hates it when stars overdose. Hollywood believes as an article of faith that it just takes a few lightweights to spoil everybody's fun.
Wikileaks source Private Bradley Manning was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize Tuesday. He was just arraigned in U.S. military court last week for his classified documents spill. If he wins, the U.S. may have a Nobel Peace Prize winner in prison for treason, which would get the U.S. expelled from the U.N. if the restaurants in New York City weren't so good.
Iran's government claimed the Iranian filmmaker's Oscar for best Foreign Language Movie was a victory for Iran. Everyone was thrilled the mullahs watched the telecast. It means there were at least a few people in the audience who hadn't heard the jokes before.
Fox News reported Tuesday the planned Canadian oil pipeline is getting a new route through Oklahoma and Texas. The decision to begin construction was a calculated gamble. President Obama refused to approve the oil pipeline but the oil industry figures he won't be re-elected, and if he is re-elected he probably can't stop the secession movement.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton