Jewish World Review March 17, 2011 / 11 Adar II, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | The Los Angeles Zoo opened a forty- million-dollar elephant habitat on Monday. The animals will thrive in L.A. They have thick skins, great memories for who screwed them over and long trunks to reach across the room at parties and snort someone else's cocaine.
Long Island in New York joined Los Angeles and Hawaii as the first places with four-dollar-a-gallon gas Tuesday. The subway saves you no money. The three hundred a month you save on gasoline is replaced by the three hundred a month you spend on pepper spray.
Charlie Sheen reported Tuesday that the live stage show he'll perform in Cleveland and Detroit sold out in only eighteen minutes online at forty dollars a ticket. He said that one dollar out of each ticket sold will go to Japan. All the other dollars will go to Colombia.
. California's San Onofre nuclear power plant was cited by anti-nuclear protesters for earthquake and radiation risks. The scare-mongering is over the top. People in Los Angeles are being asked not to think of them as nuclear reactors, but as really big cell phones.
Japan's radiation leakage Tuesday prompted some Democrats in Washington to cite the need for universal health care coverage. It was a natural connection for them. Nothing says universal medical care like giving X-rays to everybody at the same time.
Hillary Clinton flew to Egypt Tuesday to promote democracy to the Egyptians. Their enthusiasm for it has been waning. She's there to explain to the leaders they can make a lot more money off book deals about their adulterous affairs while in office than they could ever make off graft.
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange told students Monday the web is the greatest spy machine in history. He's under house arrest in a London mansion but under a strict curfew. If there's anything a leaker of national secrets will respect, it's a strict curfew.
President Obama unveiled his NCAA bracket picks live on ESPN Wednesday as Libya and Japan blew up. He played golf all day right after the tsunami hit. Everyone's just hoping and praying that North Korea has the manners not to attack us on baseball's opening day
Moammar Khadaffi's forces appeared to get the upper hand on Libyan rebels Tuesday and began offering amnesty. This guy was never going to give up anyway. No matter how far the U.S. pushes Khadaffi he will never throw in the towel because he needs it for his hat.
Al-Qaeda announced it's going to publish a women's magazine to help further spread the message of jihad. It's already a hit. Everyone loves the recipes for home-made bombs and the articles about how to avoid having Thanksgiving ruined by honor killings.
Kate Middleton began making world fashion news Monday during her appearance in Wales before next month's Royal Wedding. She appeared in a brown herringbone coat with a velvet trim collar by the British label Katherine Hooker. It's a sign of the times that the secret to catching the eye of a handsome prince is to wear Hooker outfits.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton