Jewish World Review March 8, 2011 / 2 Adar II, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Charlie Sheen announced in an ABC News interview Thursday in Los Angeles that he will start advertising products on Twitter. The interview was held outdoors so he could smoke. It's a one-hundred-dollar fine if you smoke inside in Los Angeles, same as murder.
Lindsay Lohan discussed her post-trial career goals with Entertainment Weekly last week. She revealed that her career goal is to be associated with great films. That's why she walked out of Blockbuster Video last night with Gone with the Wind under her blouse.
President Obama urged Moammar Khadaffi to step down Friday but refused to send U.S. troops to Libya. The Obama Doctrine is in effect. If Moammar Khadaffi keeps up his dangerous behavior, the U.S. will send in the Department of Social Services to forcibly remove his sons.
Libyan protesters organized resistance against Moammar Khadaffi by using an Internet dating website Friday. The meetings between couples were carefully timed. Each person had a minute to explain who they are, what they're looking for in a spouse, and how long they've been in the CIA before the bell rings and they have to move on to the next table.
Libyan rebels got closer to Tripoli Friday against a furious counter-attack by Moammar's government forces. The casualties on the battlefield have been remarkably light. It's prompted the leaders on both sides to order their soldiers to stop texting while shooting.
Michelle Obama received Mike Huckabee's support Friday for her diet and exercise proposals to help kids fight obesity. The U.S. government also has a new fitness plan to help get adults out and walking several miles a day. It's called four-dollar-a-gallon gasoline.
Malibu was the first city in the United States to hit four-dollar-a-gallon gasoline at the pump Friday. It's almost cheaper to buy a new car in Los Angeles than to fill up your tank. Oprah Winfrey tried to give away a new car to everybody sitting in her studio audience Thursday and she was nearly killed by all the keys that came flying back at her.
The White House vowed to work with Congress to cut waste in spending after two GAO reports came out. The reports said it all. The first report said the U.S. spends ten billion a year on fifteen redundant government programs and the second report said the U.S. government spends ten billion a year on fifteen redundant government programs.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton