Jewish World Review March 25, 2010 / 10 Nissan 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Cincinnati Bengals star Chad Ochocinco announced Monday he'll date eighty-five women on a TV reality show this summer. It's a bracket-style dating tournament. The lesson from Tiger Woods is that you should never keep this kind of thing a secret.
The Los Angeles Marathon had one casualty Sunday when a young man collapsed and was rushed to the hospital. Fortunately, he's okay. All obituaries for joggers in Los Angeles sound just alike, they say the guy died doing what he loved, inhaling carbon monoxide.
Sandra Bullock canceled out of the London premiere of The Blind Side Friday over more family crises. Losing her husband wasn't enough last weekend. She came home an hour early Saturday night and caught her Oscar in bed with the Nazi medal of valor.
Lance Armstrong ripped ESPN's Tony Kornheiser Monday for joking that motorists should run down bicyclists hogging the right lane in traffic. Bicyclists simply don't belong there. The right-hand lane in Los Angeles is for people who are drug-free.
House Democrats passed the health care reform bill by two votes Sunday. It had a useful purpose. The American people got to see how a bill actually gets through Congress and now everyone who wants to lose weight just watches C-SPAN and up it comes.
President Obama celebrated his legislative victory at the White House with his Oval Office staffers Sunday. He opened up a bottle of champagne on the Truman Balcony. President Obama's doctor ordered him two weeks ago to moderate his drinking, but if he was a moderate there would have been lawsuit reform in the health care bill.
Florida filed a lawsuit Tuesday over the health care law's requirement that Americans must own health insurance. It's probably unconstitutional. You cannot make people buy anything unless you advertise it as making you irresistible to women.
Brigham Hospital in Boston released a study Friday which shows that middle-aged women who drink moderately gain less weight. They didn't study the effects of alcohol on young women. There has already been thousands of years of research on that.
PepsiCo announced Monday it's going to cut down on sodium, saturated fat and sugar in its Frito-Lay, Pepsi, Quaker and Tropicana products. They were responding to White House pressure. If the White House was going to adopt just one policy from the Clinton administration, it should have been job creation, not tastelessness.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton