Jewish World Review March 8, 2010 / 22 Adar 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Tiger Woods returned to his Florida home from Arizona Tuesday where he finally began practicing golf. He hasn't yet announced when he will return to the game which made him internationally famous. It all depends upon his wife's travel schedule.
The Golf Channel debuted a new reality show called Being John Daly. It follows him as he tries to return to the tour. Last year John Daly was only invited to six tournaments the Betty Ford, the Meadows, Hazledon, Promises in Malibu and SmokeEnders.
The Smithsonian on Monday rejected the suit that O.J. Simpson wore in court the day he was acquitted of murder. The museum won't hear of it. They're afraid that some night the suit will get jealous and attack a first lady's gown with Jim Bowie's knife.
President Obama introduced a new health care bill Wednesday flanked by doctors dressed in white lab coats. They smiled and applauded his every word. He's casting for a new White House doctor after the last one yelled at him for smoking and eating fried food.
President Obama told the country all the wonderful things his health care plan will do for everybody. He sounded like a waiter describing the nightly specials. Everything sounds great but when the check comes you have to burn the restaurant down.
President Obama said Wednesday that the time for talk about health care reform has ended and debate is over. One thing's for certain. He'll have a nice audition tape ready for presentation when the job of North Korean dictator is finally open.
Senator Mike Johanns of Nebraska hinted the U.S. should cut off Japanese car imports because Japan won't buy Nebraska beef. Japan thinks U.S. beef is unsafe, but it isn't true. Nebraskans who drive off the road cause car wrecks, not the cows they hit.
JP Morgan's chairman Jamie Dimon said the risk of California defaulting on its debt is bigger than the risk of Greece defaulting on its debt. He's wrong. The Greeks invented democracy and Calfornia invented fake breasts, which way would you bet?
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton