Jewish World Review March 5, 2010 / 19 Adar 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Washington motorist Roy Messenger crashed into a power pole Monday. While he was waiting for help to arrive he urinated on a live wire and got electrocuted. He is the first conductor to be killed all year who wasn't text messaging at the time.
Tiger Woods won a CBS poll of womanizers Americans are most likely to forgive. He outpolled Charlie Sheen, John Edwards and Roman Polanksi. CBS wanted to put him in a match-up he could win to help him get his confidence back in time for the Masters.
President Obama got a physical at Bethesda Hospital Saturday. He was given a virtual colonoscopy in which the doctors simulate a thorough rectal exam without actually doing one. It's the same way the House Ethics Committee's been examining Charlie Rangel.
GM announced a sales increase in February as the House continued dragging Toyota over the coals. The lawmakers really beat up on the world's number-one carmaker. If congressmen don't sell their quota of GM cars by the end of the month, they get fired.
Toyota recalled nine hundred thousand cars Monday to fix leaky oil hoses. It's a safety issue. With oil at eighty dollars a barrel, unemployed people are chasing after Toyotas with paper cups trying to catch enough to keep their cars running.
Postmaster General John Potter asked Congress to eliminate Saturday mail delivery. It's an effort to trim postal costs. They say eliminating Saturday delivery will reduce stress on the postal workers, and maybe fewer of them will require anti-psychotic medication.
Hillary Clinton arrived in Chile with earthquake relief supplies Tuesday. She brought generators, home supplies, water purification systems and field hospitals. It was all left over from when she survived the Starr Report without getting indicted.
The Census Bureau angered Americans with census form questions this week. They ask you to state your income. You must answer carefully because if you report an income that's too low, the government will take away your children, and if it's too high the government will show up at your door and make you pay your neighbor's mortgage.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton