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Jewish World Review March 19, 2009 / 23 Adar 5769 Not to rub it in, Barbie, but you're old By Celia Rivenbark http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Dear Barbie, OMG! I can't believe you're the big 5-0! One minute you're pursuing your many fascinating careers and patiently ignoring snippy comments about your fabulous figure, and the next minute there you are, spending another Sadday night with Ken, sitting on the couch wearing matching Snuggies ("Honey, it's a blanket with sleeves!!") and watching wrasslin' on TV. As your lifelong friend, the one with the also-ran spouse, Alan, I, Midge Mattel, just want to say "Welcome to my world!" Have you seen the parody of you as Cougar Barbie on YouTube? What do you mean, what is YouTube? Girl, you have got to get out more. Things have changed a lot since you came along in '59. For starters, everyone now knows that Ken was gay for at least most of the '80s and '90s. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I have to admit, every time I heard some little snot pout on Christmas morning because Santa brought me or Skipper or Christie instead of YOU, it did chafe a bit. OK, more than a bit. I swear there was a time back in the mid-70s when I toyed with asking GI Joe (who, incidentally, like my Alan, PREFERS a real woman with red hair, freckles and dowdy floral shifts) to, well, accidentally on purpose toss a grenade into your Dream House or at least tamper with the brakes on that ridiculous Pepto Bismol convertible of yours. Good times. Oh, don't look so surprised. You made life insufferable for the rest of us with your perfect polystyrene proportions. Remember how you'd be wearing your black tulle "Nightclub singer" evening gown and I'd be wearing, let's see, oh yes, I remember now: PLAID FREAKIN' CULOTTES. So if I seem a little smug about you turning 50, please don't take it too hard. The truth is, we all hated you. Even Becky, the one in the wheelchair. In fact, she hated you the most. Hahahahahaha! Oh, Barbie, now that you're 50, maybe you'll finally understand that it's inner beauty that counts. YOU SHALLOW COW!!!! Oops. Did I just say that out loud? Barbie, I'd love to write more, but I'm afraid I'm out of time. Alan and I have a full and productive life that has nothing to do with you but has a great deal to do with cooking up large quantities of meth in our RV and getting the young'uns to sell it to their school friends. Oh, DON'T JUDGE ME! You don't know what it's been like for me living in your shadow all these decades. But no more! You're just five years away from senior coffee at McDonald's. So, from all of your "friends" at Mattel, happy flippin' birthday. Gotta go. Alan says it's time for my "crazy pills." Sunshine & Rainbows, Midge Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Celia Rivenbark is an award-winning news reporter and freelance columnist for The Sun News in Myrtle Beach, S.C. Comment by clicking here. Some things you probably don't need to know about your friends Big family, big ratings, big mess Fred Mertz for vice president Women and tools are like grease, water Runners are a different breed of folk altogether Don't get all bento out of shape For you, Princess? I'll buy junk Gwyneth P. needs big ol' reality check Reality show amuses yet repels viewer Spying on kid at summer camp awfully fulfilling Stars? Great outdoors? I don't think so Honesty in the name of fashion Perfect attendance award is for little, viral losers Trendy new ailment not for everybody What is wrong with the women today who marry insanely rich and talented men and then think they still have to cook? Shagadelic on the dance floor Ex-boyfriends can have the worst timing Little wonder many voters are confused Sound bites not easy in Southern I swear it's not my fault Celebrity news gets weirder, trumps all else Driver's license? Outta my way while I get `em Like taking Miley Cyrus tickets from a baby Driving under the influence of celebrity Hugged your Webkinz today? Hate mail spawned by humor columns ‘High School Musical’ rocks to the max! Where did latest ‘syndrome’ come from? Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Office gossip is protected free speech First-class corpse Song lyrics have only gotten dumber Talk to the clock because the ISP doesn't care Being a happy human vessel has its limits Who's not your daddy? Phoning for dazzlers Proper spelling begins at home Sick of the waiting room Road signs Halt your motion toward the lotion Sudoku's got my husband's number One short stack of smarts, please Spa me the kids IRS wants us to like it so much that it smacks of desperation Uniforms: Soul-sucking sameness Girls' pajama parties a little different now Welcome back for guilt-free manly man A big boo-hoo for disgraced celebs Girls' pajama parties a little different now When Bubbas and hoes are extra welcome Ageless icons can't escape their ages Gifts to kids' teachers make competitive moms antsy Kid bumper stickers sure not ‘terrific’ © 2007, The Sun News Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services

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