Jewish World Review March 17, 2009 / 21 Adar 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner flew to London to discuss banking reform last week. The administration wants to end tax havens for tax fugitives. All they have to do is change the locks on the White House Cabinet room and they'll be flushed out into the hallway.
The Boston Tea Party Society called upon Americans to send teabags to Congress Saturday to protest huge spending and higher taxes. Be sure and send decaffeinated tea bags. Every time Congress stays up past midnight they vote themselves a pay raise.
Venezuela and Cuba offered air bases to Russia Friday for their bombers to use when patrolling the Western Hemisphere. It's nerve wracking. We've never had a president face a Russian military threat in this hemisphere without Marilyn Monroe's wise counsel.
Forbes listed cocaine kingpin Joaquin Guzman on its billionaires list. Sales of cocaine are always good when the economy is lousy. Its side effects include a rush of euphoria, a feeling of invincibility for fifteen minutes, and one-term presidencies.
The White House considered sending National Guard troops to the Mexican border Saturday. The Texas National Guard could be called up for possible combat duty. Maybe it wasn't a speaking engagement that brought George W. Bush to Canada this month.
Senator David Vitter ordered flight attendants to open a just-closed airplane door last week when he arrived at a gate late. He got belligerent when they refused, so they called security and identified him as he ran off. Senators who get caught in prostitution scandals should never assume that flight attendants won't recognize them.
The White House declared Friday that captured al-Qaeda fighters will no longer be referred to as enemy combatants. Two weeks ago the administration eliminated the term War on Terror and ordered the shutdown of Guantanamo. Osama bin Laden released an audiotape on Saturday ordering all his followers to enjoy a Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Bernie Madoff admitted running a Ponzi scheme Thursday. He took money from new investors to pay off old investors, skimming off the top and never investing the money. This kind of financing is only allowed for Broadway musicals and Social Security.
President Obama met with the foreign minister of China at the White House on Thursday. Everyone agreed that the visit was long overdue. Barack Obama has been president of the United States for seven weeks, it's about time he met with the owners.
NASA ordered Space Station astronauts into the escape capsule on Thursday when a junked rocket engine approached at five miles per second. They thought they were out of harm's way up there. They were well above the orbit of the Canadian geese.
Mayor Mike Bloomberg was rated the richest man in New York Thursday. His media company's made four billion dollars since the crash. Selling business news during a stock market scare is more lucrative than the soft drink concession at the Betty Ford Center.
President Obama spoke to business leaders meeting in Washington Thursday and promised to maintain free trade overseas. He won't raise protective tariffs. The idea is to give the U.S. auto industry no other option but to build a better car.
West Virginia was named the unhappiest state by the Gallup Poll Thursday, followed by Kentucky, Mississippi, Louisiana, Tennessee and Oklahoma. Can you blame them? Every day you turn on the television, it's another worshipful story about Abe Lincoln.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton