Jewish World Review March 13, 2009 / 17 Adar 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Bernie Madoff pleaded guilty Tuesday to swindling victims out of fifty billion dollars and faces one hundred fifty years in jail. That's not enough time. Thanks to embryonic stem cell research, Bernie Madoff's best years could still be ahead of him.
The FBI said Wednesday it found performance-enhancing substances on syringes used to inject Roger Clemens. The pitcher began his career during the cocaine era, he was a star in the Clinton era, and he ended his career in the steroid era. His won-loss record over that span shows that nothing is better for your career than adultery.
The World Baseball Classic got started in Canada Friday with nations from all over the world competing. It's fun to watch people from other cultures enjoy the game. The Arab outfielders don't just overthrow the cutoff man, they topple his statue.
Charles Barkley was described as a model prisoner by the Phoenix sheriff after he served three days for drunken driving Monday. While in jail he did nothing out of the ordinary and said nothing quotable. It illustrates the dangers of not drinking.
Michael Jackson announced last week he'll perform concerts in London. However, no insurance company will insure him or his concerts. The last time an insurance company covered Michael Jackson they needed a federal bailout to pay off the parents.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was revealed Monday to be using Air Force planes as her personal taxi service. She just wrote the four hundred billion dollar spending bill. Speaker Pelosi keeps her girlish figure by exercising every night on the Budget Buster.
President Obama signed a budget bill with nearly nine thousand congressional earmarks Wednesday despite his campaign pledge to end earmarks. He said these are the last earmarks he will sign. Cigarette smokers always say this is going to be the last one.
Policy Review editorialized Monday that food and sex have switched places over the past forty years in American morality. We used to be monogamous but ate anything, while today you must eat only correct food but you can sleep with anyone. This could explain why the average price at a Las Vegas buffet is now two hundred dollars.
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford likened President Obama's fiscal policies to Zimbabwe's Tuesday and warned we could get hyperinflation like Zimbabwe's. His meaning is clear. Leave it to South Carolina to fire the first shot in every Civil War.
Islamic extremist groups from Somalia were reported Monday to be recruiting in Minneapolis, where there's a large Somali population. Nobody in Minnesota minds the terrorists moving to their state. Until the Senate race is decided, every vote counts.
Newsweek's Howard Fineman wrote Tuesday the establishment is starting to turn on Barack Obama. Memo to the next president: give the prime minister of your nation's Mother Country a dinner. He has a million Muslims living in London to watch, and Northern Ireland is growling again, and he has no time to watch twenty-five movie DVDs.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton