Jewish World Review March 12, 2009 / 16 Adar 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Cheers bar in Boston made famous on the NBC show fired legendary bartender Eddie Doyle Monday due to slow business. He's famous for knowing everybody's name. He's just been hired by Mexico's government to identify the bodies during spring break.
The Border Patrol said Monday Americans spent forty billion dollars on cocaine last year. That's twenty billion less than Americans spent per year on cocaine back in the late Seventies. Baby Boomers now get forty percent off with the AARP card.
Warren Buffett declared Monday the United States must see itself as engaged in a war against the economic downturn. He's got a point. If you've seen the federal deficit you will know we haven't been attacked by this many zeroes since Pearl Harbor.
President Obama defended his plan for higher taxes on the rich. He is determined to level out the distribution of wealth in America. It wasn't historic enough for him to be our first black president, he also wants to be our first red one.
Al-Qaeda's Ali al-Marri made his first U.S. court appearance Tuesday. He plotted cyber attacks on banks eight years ago. He had a plot to drive Citigroup stock down to forty dollars a share, and now we'll pay him anything if he'll tell us how to do it.
Wall Streeters regained the will to live Tuesday after the stock market soared three hundred seventy points on good news from Citigroup. Everyone is too nauseous to be happy. Stocks might not provide for your old age but they do hasten its arrival.
The Pentagon said violence in Iraq reached a six-year low Monday. The tensions ended when Sunnis and Shiites agreed to live in their own ethnic neighborhoods in Baghdad under U.S. supervision. President Obama will be in real political trouble when people find out he's using the Mississippi National Guard to enforce segregation.
President Obama addressed educational needs in Washington Tuesday. He proposed longer school days and more years of education. He's hoping that if you keep students out of the workforce until they're thirty-five, maybe the unemployment rate will drop.
The Dallas Cowboys cut superstar receiver Terrell Owens from the team because he was such a distraction in the locker room. It won't cost the team any ticket sales at its new stadium. The sport of drinking is bigger than any one athlete.
Mahatma Gandhi's personal items were put up for auction at an auction house in Manhattan. Items include his glasses, his sandals and his rice bowl. The mark of a truly great man is that when he dies there's nothing left for the creditors.
Brett Favre auctioned off his truck on eBay and even autographed the dashboard to sweeten the deal. The quarterback learned a valuable lesson from O.J. Simpson. The best way to stay out of jail is to get rid of your memorabilia in public.
Iowans asserted their need for that two-million-dollar congressional earmark to study pig odor. Now's the time. They would have asked earlier, but it wasn't til the presidential candidates left that Iowans were sure the smell was coming from the hogs.
Northern Trust Bank returned two billion dollars in TARP money the government forced the bank to take. It's not worth the aggravation to the bankers. The next time they get their orders from Barney Frank he will be a waiter at the Palm.
The Politico newspaper in Washington D.C. reported that Barack Obama will not speak at all without a Teleprompter. He uses it for every event big or small and it travels with him everywhere he goes. It wasn't a problem until Michelle woke up first yesterday morning and saw her name printed on a screen behind the nightlight.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton