Jewish World Review March 11, 2009 / 15 Adar 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Charles Barkley was released from jail in Phoenix Monday after he'd served his three-day sentence for drunken driving. For three days he was fed and clothed and housed at public expense. This does nothing to discourage drunken driving in America.
North Korea threatened war on the U.S. Monday if the U.S. Navy shoots down a North Korean missile they are test-firing over the Sea of Japan. They claim the missile can reach Hawaii. If it hits Pearl Harbor we'll be out of this depression two days later.
Chinese warships threatened to attack the unarmed USS Impeccable Monday in the China Sea. Why on earth is the U.S. sailing unarmed ships in that neighborhood? If we want the Chinese to buy our Treasury bills, we really ought to point a gun at them.
L.A. octuplet mother Nadya Suleman's publicist quit in disgust Monday. The porno movie offer was the last straw. He didn't have a problem with her screwing the taxpayers of Los Angeles until she told him she is going to do it one taxpayer at a time.
Discovery Channel released a new video game called Miracle on the Hudson. Players land a plane safely on the river or crash it. The game has amusing graphics like a flock of geese, passengers waving atop the wing, and the airline's liability policy with AIG.
Swedish researchers marveled Monday at a chimpanzee that stockpiled rocks to throw at zoo visitors. The thirty-one-year-old alpha male would build a weapons cache in the morning, wait until midday and then unleash a torrent of rocks against visitors. He moved to the zoo after he lost his job as a short-seller on Wall Street.
Cal Tech confirmed Thursday that a meteor just missed earth two weeks ago. The last one struck ten million years ago and killed every dinosaur in the Middle East, where the corpses decayed into crude oil. Israel's so sorry it had a no-pets policy.
President Obama began the process of easing travel and trade restrictions with Cuba Monday. He inserted the travel and trade provisions into this week's spending bill. The president doesn't view Cuba as the enemy, he sees it as the smoking section.
The London Telegraph quoted an Obama administration official saying there is nothing special about the U.S.-British relationship, and that Britain is just one of one hundred and ninety nations. People are too hard on this administration. Barack Obama already has one unbelievable accomplishment, he's repaired George W. Bush's reputation in just six weeks.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton