Jewish World Review March 4, 2009 / 8 Adar 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The White House complained Sunday after Rush Limbaugh rallied conservatives to oppose the president. They think dissent isn't helpful. On baseball's opening day, Barack Obama will be at Washington Nationals Stadium to throw out the First Amendment.
Prime Minister Gordon Brown met with President Obama to devise a Global New Deal to provide food, supplies and prosperity to people in every country. How did the Third World wind up on welfare so fast? Just last week they had all our factory jobs.
New Yorkers were reported Friday to be bottling the city's tap water and selling it for two dollars a bottle. It's pumped from the upstate Hudson River and always voted America's best drinking water. This year's bouquet offers just a hint of airline fuel.
Siegfried and Roy returned to the Las Vegas stage Sunday with the Bengal tiger Montecore who mauled Roy onstage six years ago. The tiger seemed happy to be back on the main stage. Due to the economic crisis they were only feeding him lounge comics.
Tiger Woods's coach Hank Haney is trying to fix Charles Barkley's swing on the Golf Channel. He knows best. He once told Tiger to take the club away low, make a full turn, then throw all his weight onto his left foot and marry a Swedish blonde.
Los Angeles police talked down a naked man who was threatening to jump off the cross atop a church steeple Sunday. He's lucky a cop happened along. Nudity's been the official religion of Los Angeles for so long that nobody even noticed him up there.
U.S. Trade Representative nominee Ron Kirk owes the IRS ten thousand dollars, an error disclosed Monday by the Senate Finance Committee considering his nomination. Another one of these pop up every week. Apparently Friday is casual tax day at the White House.
The U.S. Senate Intelligence Committee will investigate instances of CIA torture of detainees over the last eight years. This nation has no business engaging in torture. Anybody found guilty of waterboarding ought to get twenty years in the electric chair.
Hillary Clinton flew to the Middle East Monday to deliver nine hundred million dollars to the Palestinian Authority. The money is for construction projects. Everywhere Hamas operates there's a building boom, just not necessarily in that order.
Venezuela's dictator Hugo Chavez was told by his doctor Monday to stop talking due to a throat problem. He wants him to stay off the air for a month. If Wall Street can get that doctor to prescribe this for Barack Obama it could save the stock market.
Iran arrested American reporter Roxane Saberi for trying to buy wine and threw the former Miss North Dakota in jail. It has upset their whole system. If Iranians knew that women looked like that under their burkas, they would've banned burkas years ago.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton