Jewish World Review March 3, 2009 / 7 Adar 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Michael Vick was scheduled Friday to be released from prison in May. The worm has turned. Just a year ago Michael Vick was reviled for arranging dogfights, and today he is admired as the last man in America who knows how to make money in a hurry.
New England Patriots star Tom Brady married Gisele Bundchen in Santa Monica on Friday. She's a German supermodel and he's the handsomest quarterback who ever lived. They're going to live in a bomb shelter and breed a race of perfect people.
The White House said Thursday the U.S. government will stop raiding medical marijuana clinics in places where it's legal. Reaction was swift. The next day Michael Phelps said he had a doctor's prescription to go to that party in South Carolina last month.
White House economic guru Paul Volcker expressed anger Friday that no Treasury Department deputies have been named. It's understandable. The only guy with any experience who agrees with this government's policies is Mikhail Gorbachev, and he's nobody's deputy.
New York Yankees executives worked the phones around the clock Friday trying to sell luxury boxes in the new Yankee Stadium. The clock's ticking. If they're not all occupied by opening day, Barney Frank is going to move homeless people into them.
President Obama telephoned former President Bush in Dallas Friday to brief him about his plans to withdraw United States troops from Iraq. The call was merely a courtesy. If he really wanted an expert on pullouts he would have called Bill Clinton.
President Obama offered a budget of three trillion six hundred billion dollars Thursday. It includes two million for swine odor research and manure management. Summer is coming and they need to fix the air conditioning in the U.S. Capitol building.
Wall Street fell Thursday as President Obama proposed a trillion dollars in tax increases. This is war. Last week an Arab with a fuse coming out of his shoe walked right through an airport checkpoint while Homeland Security was frisking an investor.
President Obama decided Thursday to keep fifty thousand U.S. soldiers in Iraq permanently. It's a teachable moment. If we've learned anything, it's that it only takes six weeks of having your own helicopter to turn a community organizer into an emperor.
The White House released statistics Friday showing that unemployment could soon reach ten percent nationwide. The big cities are hit hardest. Things are so tough in Los Angeles that if you throw a dog a bone, the dog has to signal for a fair catch.
Rush Limbaugh spoke to the Conservative Political Action Conference in a speech that was televised live from coast to coast. He's enjoying record-high ratings for his radio show and people cheer him wherever he goes. So far the only American to benefit from Barack Obama's policies is Rush Limbaugh.
Prime Minister Gordon Brown arrives today for a meeting with President Obama. A month ago Obama ejected Churchill's bust from the Oval Office over differences in policy. Churchill offered blood, sweat, toil and tears, and Barack Obama doesn't require toil.
Barack Obama declared in his Saturday address he came to Washington to provide the sweeping changes the people of the United States demanded by electing him. He believes it's morally right to soak the rich because they're feasting on the ill-gotten gains of colonialism. He's bored with being Jesus, he's decided to be Gandhi.
The Senate announced plans this week to probe CIA torture during the Bush administration. We now know that waterboarding just doesn't work. Wall Street has been under water since September and bankers still won't say what they did with the money.
Los Angeles octuplet mom Nadya Suleman turned down an offer of free child care and a place to live Friday after the facility refused to allow cameras in for a reality show. She's already hooked on media attention. Ten years from now, the Democrats will be moaning about the sentencing disparity between powdered celebrity and crack celebrity.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton