Jewish World Review March 26, 2008 / 19 Adar II 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Senator Barack Obama decided not to spend Easter at his Chicago church where his infamous pastor Jeremiah Wright gave anti-American sermons. He decided to go somewhere less politically dangerous. He took his wife to a Klan meeting on Stone Mountain.
China held fast Sunday to its plans for the Olympic torch to be carried through Tibet. The torch runners must be terrified. If Chinese soldiers mistake them for the Statue of Liberty they may have Gatorade coming out of five holes in their bodies.
The PGA will begin testing golfers for performance-enhancing drugs in April to show the public the sport is honest. Players are happy to comply. John Daly has willed his entire body to science and he's preserving it in alcohol until they need it.
The FDA banned Honduran cantaloupes Friday after bad melons made people sick. It caused a panic. When people in Los Angeles heard that the melons were contaminated, they got hold of their plastic surgeons and demanded that the saline ones be put back.
The Gallup Poll said Thursday the economy is the number-one issue with voters. Gas is four dollars a gallon, hotel rooms are two hundred a night and hookers four thousand an hour. A lot of guys are refusing to get married because they can't afford the adultery.
The Space Shuttle Endeavour crew relaxed Sunday after two weeks of construction work on the International Space Station. The astronauts installed a giant robot with a Japanese storage compartment. What's a space station without a Godzilla playset?
New Orleans officials expressed alarm on Sunday about rising Mississippi River water heading south from Missouri. It's all part of nature's plan. Kansas science teachers won't like this, but in just two more floodings, Louisianans will have gills.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton